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2006-09-25T06:02:00.000-07:00

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Alzheimers health...time for a move

2006-09-25T05:18:00.000-07:00

The mother in law recieved a 30 day notice to move out. I am not stupid, I know its a combination of things. The manager of the complex has been asking me every couple of months for the last couple of years if she can move from two bedroom apartment to one bedroom apartment. The manager of the complex knew she was one person, why two bedrooms when she has people wanting two bedroom apartments with families etc. I kept saying it would be too stressful for her, to move again. I would say she has the bedroom furniture in both rooms so what if she has a guest bedroom. There have been complaints against her just walking into apartments without knocking, my next door neighbor even told me this himself. I have been told by another person she does it to certain residences. Her neighbors keep complaining she is bugging them. People are complaining and telling the manager they are going to call the police. While I know there is some truth to some of the comments I don't know which are made up just to support the agena.

So the mother in law is moving in. We have told her she has alzheimers disease but she just acts like she didn't hear it. We have shown her the bedroom which she will be moving into only two minutes later not remembering it and wants to see it again. We have been trying to prepare her reminding her she is moving in but in her head she thinks its just an apartment trade.
One day the smallest child told her she has to move in cause she bothers her neighbors.
"I don't have neighbors!" Yes you do grandma and you bug them! so matter of factly. The spouse and I looked at each other with mouths open not realizing the little one hear these conversations. I removed my child from the mother in law as not to upset her further.

The children have anxiety over grandma moving in. I have to be stern with them. Nothing is changing for you. I am loosing my room and my space not you. Everyone has a bed but Mom so get over yourself. I tell them to think beyond themselves they have all their things, Mom has to give up all of her furniture and things for a sofa. The spouse keeps asking how I am doing with it all.

Whatever! Its not the first time in my life I had to sleep on a sofa. Its not the first time in my life I didn't have a place for my belongings and everything had to be put away.
Half a dozen times over the course of my life, I have learned its temporiary situation. Sometimes the temporiary situation is longer then others. It could be worse, I could have no sofa to sleep and have to sleep on the carpet, or in a van both I have done in my life as well. Its all about perspective and experience and the bottom line of family.

The mother in law is getting worse all the time. She even asked last week if dinosaurs are still alive. We asked her if she was serious in the question about Dinosaurs only for her to say yes she didn't know.
She has become affraid of the dark. Been wanting someone to escort her home as soon as she thinks its getting darker. Dark won't actually come for another hour or two. She needed to be escorted to her apartment 30 second walk away she said she has forgotten how to get there.

After 20 minutes she forgetts she has eaten. If there is any kind of snacks near where she sits all day, she hides getting into the bags. She does it sneaky like, when I tell her she can have the item, she denies she is getting into it even though she is chewing. If a person stops by for a moment then leave she says good night, its just after lunch. If she happens to leave after her lunch with us we have to go to her apartment to get her . She has been answering the door in her underwear , the children have been telling me and even I have seen it. This isn't like her but her sense of time is gone, so she thinks its bedtime.

Over the weekend we were at a hamburger joint, she had that look, that familiar old look the father in law had so many times. Mouth slightly open constantly, the look of dispare and anger as we walked from inside to outside the noise was too much for her. The spouse was inside and every 30 seconds for several minutes she asked if her son was ordering food. Yes he is inside ordering food. What is taking my son so long with the food. He is in line and then they have to cook it. Then she would put her hands under her glasses over her eyes and head bowed, only to go in circles again. She finally stopped when friend of the family came to the table outside with us.

I am having a difficult time finding a hospital or facility that takes insurance. Things have changed in the last four years. Its not as easy for me to do as it was for the father in law.
We are going to have too put special locks inside the doors, just as it was nessicary for the father in law. Oh well the entire family locked in the house at night, everyone should be sleeping so its not big deal. Just like what parents would do for a toddler to insure they don't leave the front door without knowledge, same thing!

Alzheimers health...car rides

2006-09-08T04:38:00.000-07:00

Grandma hates it really hates it when the kids "tell on her" or call out her actions that are wrong. While in the car yesterday grandma was playing with the handle to the door. One of the children says don't play with that. She snapped at the child and said she has been in cars for years. Then the youngest pointed out from her seat that grandma was playing with the handle. I think, I am going to have to set the child protection lock to on for grandma's safety while in the backseat of the car.
We went to a pizza place that appearently only accepts cash and nothing else. I didn't have enough cash . The spouse asks his mother yeah can I borrow some money from you now and in 5 minutes I will stop at the ATM and give it back to you? She said yes, but went on and on how she doesn't have money. Even the youngest pointed out where she hides it and she was insisting she didn't have money. That is until we were committed to leave the parking lot. WE drove to an ATM got some cash for the stupid pizza. One of daughters was upset, and followed me around inside the house. I am not lieing! Grandma was counting her money and she has a lot of money. She was counting it when she said she didn't have any and put it away. I tried to tell her it was ok and to let it go.
It doesn't matter really. No matter how much cash we give grandma and she having up too 100 in cash she never has it and is poor and broke even five minutes after recieving . We all know grandma counts her cash at least every 15 minutes the entire time she is around us. In my book just leave grandma alone about cash matters.

Grandma is over nearly everyday for lunch. Myself or the children make her lunch and even give her a snack like cookies on the side. I have noticed something different recently. When she eats lunch such as a simple sandwich she takes 3 times as long to eat then at dinner. It's rather strange it takes her around 10 minutes to finish lunch. She takes a bite, looks around or watches tv, looks down takes a sip of soda thinks about something then the next bite. She really stretches out lunch experience. Its just a sandwhich, two peices of bread, little mayo, slice of cheese and a few peices of lunch meat. Yet by dinner she eats quickly its odd.

A couple times now when my oldest and I are conversing, grandma will get up from the sofa go to my daughter touch her on the shoulder and say things, like I was scared to leave my house cause all the bombs. Ok grandma, but we weren't talking about anything like war, thanks. Grandma goes back to where she was sitting.

lower then the average bear body temp

2006-09-03T07:52:00.000-07:00

I keep telling the nurses my normal body temp is 97.1 everytime, no one believes me until they take my temp. Not even my spouse believes me, he just thinks its all BS. The last two times I have gone to the speciality appointments they have given me my stats written on the reciept. I am not full of shit! A few days ago they did write down my body temp was 96.5. I am noticing my blood pressure stats down then usual. So like this morning I am feeling hot and sweety and my temp is 99.7 wouldn't that be a low fever given my normal resting body temp? Why is this so hard to believe...if can't trust the nurses instrumentation then what can I?

Alzheimers health...grandma and soccer practice

2006-08-25T06:47:00.000-07:00

Soccer practice for one of the kids is twice a week. Grandma has now started yelling at any kid she sees in her limited vision "kick the ball" Go ahead kick it!!! Kick that Ball!!! Any soccer balls around us she says its ours and pick it up. Fortunately we sit far enough away from the kids practicing they don't hear her or just don't acknowledge her yelling.
She has started yelling at one of my children just about anytime she opens her mouth and it doesn't matter what it is. Yesterday she yelled at my child "I am going over your head" not even I understood the statement or the referance.

Alzheimers health...the pool and grandma

2006-08-12T05:25:00.000-07:00

The mother in law can no longer handle pool time. The kids love to swim and have their pool time. While the mother in law "grandma" tries to watch it has been driving her crazy.
I don't want her to come out and see the kids swim, not because she is bothersome but to save her from herself. I can handle she treats me as if I am not at the pool watching the kids. She will sit right next to me off and on but like I am not even there. She won't speak a word to me...chop liver.

It's her actions and words that make me wanna protect her from her own mind. Normally I would get all over the kids asses, for tormenting her or anyone else about playing around of drowning but... There is nothing I can do.
The last 3 or 4 times around the pool grandma has been showing weird behaviors.
Once I just started counting, 10 seconds every 10 seconds for 25 minutes she kept sifting. She could not sit still for more then 10 seconds. She kept getting up and walking and sitting in every chair there was around the pool. Every two minutes she asked the kids where their older sister was. She would come to me and say she was too hot, go to the gate then turn around and find shade. The younger kids are used to asking the same questions over and over and just repeat the same answer as if the question was asked for the first time. She told the younger kids to get out of the pool and dry off. So they came to me, their towels at my feet, I just said get back in the pool. But grandma said get out, I know go ahead and swim. She yells at them to swim if they are just hanging out. Make them swim! They can take a break they don't have to swim constantly while in the pool, I say.

The last few times she is on there cases to come up for air. She gets on their cases don't swallow the water. She gets on their cases if she thinks they are taking too long to jump in for the first time. Oh my, it was every minute she yelled at my oldest to jump in. I know you can swim get in! Oh come on you can swim get in! It really bothers her if she doesn't see them constantly swimming. It really bothers her if they are under water more then 2 seconds.

The other day the two younger ones where playing with a quarter in the pool. They would toss it and the other person had to retrieve it. Unfrotunately the pool was especailly sparkling clean and they had problems seeing the quarter. In their play they would talk to each other about helping find the quarter. What a nasty and mean laugh the mother law would give them everytime they talked to each other about the quarter. Haha, meanly its long gone! The children would respond it's in the pool. They play and talk to each other about the quarter. Haha evil in sounding each time a response it was gone or stolen. She was very mean in sounding. Finally I told her to stop telling the kids the quarter is gone it is in the pool just as they been telling her. NO! it's not in the pool she demanding. Yes it is, they keep throwing it in. NO they have been looking for that quarter for three weeks. Dispite her anger I tried to keep calm and say again they just threw in the quarter and have been playing with it.
Ok fine I will just sit here and say nothing she replied, crossing her arms and pout on her face like a child.
Her evil and mean laugh, reminded me of the (pasted) father in law . He would have a laugh that was mean in tone too.

A neighbor said hi to her yesterday, she replied come in the gate is right over there, the kids are in the pool come watch them. The neighbor declined and gave a reason of too busy. I snickered she didn't hear me, I don't know just found it funny.

She is pacing around the pool more and more, it makes me nervous, very nervous. She might fall in, she does have problems walking from time to time. Sure she can swim but will she remember she can? Will she hurt herself in the process of falling in? She is fragile I would not be able to pull her up from me being on the outside of the pool, I would have to get in and help her to the side, or across the pool to the steps. Would she panic?
A lifetime ago I did get training and certification in lifesaving for pool. I can handle the situation if it were to come up, I better train my oldest in case, I am not there.

misc...the greatest man of my life

2006-08-11T05:42:00.000-07:00

While my daughter was in the hospital for a week and half, my spouse gave me a gift. A special gift that has no value. A gift that I keep using.
One day we went to lunch he told me of a conversation he had with the oldest child. My teen is a typical teen and tries to disrespect me. Tries, doesn't always succeed.
He said what he thought of me. I was one of the strongest women he ever met. I am no spring chicken obviously, he is ten years my elder. He knows I have been through a lot. He doesn't know every story but enough.

A simple statement, can envoke such emotion, crazy. It was one of the nicest things anyone ever said to me.

The exception of health problems my life has been the easiest since he has been in it.
While there are some things that bug me, its trival to how things are overall.

Alzheimers health...It's huh time, huh, huh, huh,

2006-08-04T07:00:00.000-07:00

The mother in law has started something new, a slight annoyance. Just when started to get used to her mumbling to herself and her saying "Oh I am just talking to myself" and not wanting to share what she was mumbling about she started something new.

It doesn't matter what is on the TV, after every sentence said, she says "HUH" after. She does this for hours. Whoa, it is annoying, but I say nothing. The other day even during the huh's she started talking to herself, I asked what she was saying. The show was talking about Hover Damn but she said "They are telling me about the WAR", I should have said nothing.
Noooo, I was stupid and said the show was actually about Hover Damn, I know better.

Yesterday she was fixated on the number 21. She was telling neighbors "21" no matter the story it was 21 years. 21 years at the same employment, 21 years of marriage, she was married at 21 everything was 21. I said nothing, it was clear, it had to be clear to the person she was talking too something didn't add up. I laugh now, not in front of her of course.

misc..dammit I am anything but depressed

2006-08-01T11:32:00.000-07:00

I am very frustrated...I hate being told my IBS is in my head or the pain I suffer is just gas. I am not under stress right now , I was true enough but I have been at ease with everything. I have GERD which the 24 hour PH test revealed, even have alittle scar from that experience.
I am just mad and frustrated. The recent flare up is taking too long to pass for me.

It is no comfort at all to do research and find out many syndromes can overlap with each other, oh great. More of its just in your head.
Man I wanna scream.

all the stupid theories , each one of them except depression for me, big fat check, kinda pissing me off. Its like saying the person is mentally weak. Saying a person is incapable of overcoming obstacles in their life manifests itself with pain.
If I am truely so mentally weak then I should be dead seriously. Then I am incapable of learning from my experiences and the ability to grow as an indivual, for me its a death sentence .
All this time I thought I was growing as a person every year. Maybe I have been wrong all this time and maybe I have multiple personalities I didn't know about.

mood: pissey, tired, in physical pain, frustrated, damn humidity ...
I just wanna take a pill and have my life back on a daily turn yearly basis, it doesn't exist because I have syndromes "there isn't anything really wrong with you" .

Alzheimers health...she worked me over

2006-07-28T07:21:00.000-07:00

There is only two people I am gonna to work for, my spouse and his alzheimered out mother. M-a-n, she worked me yesterday. She first was over 6:50am and then returned 8:30am and was over all day minus a few minutes here and there, she had to go home "to check on something" til 7pm. She just sits on the sofa doing nothing, and laughs and grumbles to herself.

Once she got on my daughters case for not wearing shoes in the house. Oh my when she was a child they would never take off their shoes til they went to bed. It has been awhile since she has been on our cases about wearing shoes until bed. Yet, I know when I go to her apartment she is in her nylons, oops sorry it never happens what am I thinking.

Yesterday she was insisting she lost a ring near where she was sitting. "I always wear two rings on this finger and three on this one" "It was my son who pointing out he saw it fall off". He had already tried to help look for the mysterious lost ring. He didn't see if fall off, when I called him on the phone about it, No but he did say he tried looking for her . Of course she didn't remember him looking but convienced he is the one who saw it fall off and pointed it out to her.

She had me on my hands and knees with a flash light in her mind its impossible to see anything cause its too dark. (She is blind) she had me physically moving anything she thought I could move. She wanted to move the sofa, I told her no way will I let any 80 year old move furniture. She was mad as hell. She was mad why wouldn't I let her. She couldn't understand. So I moved the sofa, she didn't believe me there was no ring. She got on her hands and knees and felt with her hands. She was obsessed with her son saw it fall it is on the floor. She was yelling at me she wasn't accusing me of stealing it, she just wants the ring.

Calmly, I kept telling her there was no ring anywhere on the carpet, I wished there was so I could give it too her. More then once she went to her hands and knees and felt around.

Oh man she was on my case to vacum up the crap that settles under a sofa. She was going to do herself. No, I will take care of it, I have to turn off the A/C or it will blow a breaker. She was demanding at times to sweep it up. I had enough so I did it, no arguements just did it.

The spouse walks in and she tries to tell on me, a different version then what was really going on. He already knew she was making me move stuff. In response and laughing yeah well she was crying cause I wouldn't let her move the sofa. He ringed in, MOM myself I wouldn't let any 80 year old person much less my own mother move furniture. She got upset again, she can do it.
She thinks she is younger then she is, while I don't really care if she says she is 29 I can't let any 80 year old person lift a finger in my home.

The sofa remained away from the wall until she left, I knew just knew to leave it that way. Sure enough she got on her hands and knees and was behind that sofa looking for the ring before she left. I lost count of the times she had me on my hands and knees with a flash light.

At one point I had opened up the blinds a bit a ray of light cast upon the carpet. "Do you see that?" Whats that? "That, the light?" What light? "The light on the carpet?, pointing" Yes I see it. "Do you see the light, right there?" Yes I see the light. "Where is it coming from, I never seen light in here before" Its from the blinds being open, is it bothering you? "No it's not bothering me!" Then she burst into crying like she just found out her spouse died type of crying and just over reacting, child would do for attention. What's the matter why are you crying. "I am so disgusted" I tried to ask her if it was the light, she wouldn't respond, she just shook her head no. Come on, now I can see and hear you crying talk to me. "I know, I am crying I am just disqusted"
...I just let her cry, and carrying on with her very appearent tantrum. She lifted her head and had turned her body towards me, I never left just stood near her yet with some distance. She wiped her eyes tried to compose herself. Went back to wanting to move the sofa back to the wall. Again said No, I would do it later after dinner. She yelled at me, "You make me so mad, you never let me do anything" I walked away from her at that point only to the kitchen though.

Last night she had one daughter in tears. My middle daughter doesn't understand why grandma is always so mean to her, no one knows why, but its the Alzheimer disease. Grandma called her a name when the daughter suggested she go all the way into the restroom to un-dress to use the toilet not in the hallway.
I hugged my daughter and told her to go upstairs splash some water on her face and come back down in a few minutes. Later I hugged her and reminded her grandma doesn't know she says the things she does, and will not remember it at that moment if I spoke up for her. I had to remind her Grandma doesn't think clearly, its ok.

We have to keep reminding the kids, Grandma doesn't know any better.
Hell Grandma thinks her entire life she has worn 5 necklaces at one time, and three rings on one finger and two on another. This has just started in the past couple years. She finds a necklace and puts it on. Even calling attention to the necklace addition we are lying she doesn't have that many on herself.

The other day, someone was trying to tell me to make her use a walker. They were walking behind her and she tripped into a flower bed nearly fell over. I could only respond with I can't make her. In her mind her feet are not broken therefore they are fine. She doesn't believe the foot doctor she has severe foot problems. The person I was talking too wasn't getting it. So I ended up with can you make one of your relatives use a walker if they didn't want too? NO, I guess not.

mothers and daughters....my bones right here hurt

2006-07-26T06:34:00.000-07:00

Ever since my daughter has returned from the hospital she has said her hand hurts and wanted an ice pack for it. I did take her to follow up visit 2 days after. She was asked if she is having joint pain, she could only point out the places where the IV's were. Yesterday she assertively said her wrist bones hurt. I again mentioned to her its because of the chemo and all the medications she has to take. She seamed ok with the information and was by my side to learn how to make dinner.

I saw it in her eyes she meant business so I went to my purse and found her specialists business card. I called up the hand written number. Hello, a tone like what, why you bothering me. "I am looking for Dr____ have I dialed the correct number?" The tone changed quickly Yes this is she how may I help you. "This is Mrs____ and I calling in behalf of my daughter____. Her tone turned to excitement, I am so happy you called I was going to call you I have your daughters lab results and I wanted to talk to you before I went on vacation.

That's right apparently the HMO specialist doctor gave me her direct line to her office. WOW!
Although she didn't give much confidence when I asked about what I can give my daughter to ease her joint discomfort.

When I said my daughter is saying, it's her bones and where that are bothering her, is it the chemo the doctor said oh no its the side effects of the disease. I know better, I know she lied. I know all too well the disease does not have the side effect and I know the chemo does. Anyway she told me not to give her any over the counter medication with motrin in it. To increase the some of her medications, and go ahead and buy Mylanta between meals with the acid reflux. Just keep up the icing when she has joint pains.
Why lie? I don't get it.

Daily medications count is now 21. YIKES!
This one is for Joz...one more use for medical gloves..ice pack.

misc...change name tooo

2006-07-25T08:22:00.000-07:00

After much consideration if I could change my name to any name it would be Sunshine. I have been thinking long and hard on this question, it's a tough one. I would legally change my name to Sunshine, that way even when the skies are grey I would be sun...shine . It could happen.
My friend Joz, what a pal, called me late last night, and I missed her call. She was my sunshine this morning when I got the voicemail. I try to be sunshine to her when we have IM'd each other over the years.

So the spouse would change his to Stone and all ready each child has some name that they share with a mineral or place in the world. OMG we are the Zappa's, but names that are commonly used.
Ok, except the Sunshine name.

I think the name fits me, the sun can be warm and cozy and other times hot as hell. Like me, and my sides.

misc...lets do chemo

2006-07-25T06:19:00.000-07:00

What a year this has turned out to be. It's the year of chemo. I have always known the typical side effects of chemo, but this year I have really researched it. My father having cancer and been given only up to 2 years to live. My little daughter which doesn't have cancer but has to take chemo pills for the next few years. Now another relative (by marriage) has only a few years to live. Every-body chemo now.

No one has past, sometimes it's just the knowledge that is a weight.

My daughter is experiencing some classic side effects, but she is ok just knowing why she has them and what it is from. I don't baby her too much, I do try to make her as comfortable as possible.

Knowing why is sooo much better then wondering.

Alzheimers health...your preventing me from doing...

2006-07-24T09:02:00.000-07:00

SYDNEY - Australian mental health researchers have developed a once-a-day pill they believe might stop or slow the onset of AlzheimerÂs disease, with human trials expected within two months....A 15-month trial on mice showed the drug called PBT2 reduced the amyloid protein, which many scientists believe causes AlzheimerÂs, by 60 percent within 24 hours, said researchers at The Mental Health Research Institute of Victoria.

The mother in law told me I was preventing her from doing her laundry. On and on how I won't let her do laundry I won't give her what she needs to do it. I walked with her to her apartment (30 seconds away), found her quarters on her table and additional several dollars worth of quarters as well. I picked up the laundry soap container and even measureded it out into a cup for her. She indicated she was fine, so I left. She was over within 5 minutes with basket in hand only enough laundry from the previous day not a week or two as she should have. She was at my door and said "I don't know where to do laundry". Ok, I will do your laundry for you. she liked that, who wouldn't right? She left only to return 1 minute later trying to give me her 20 dollars in quarters saying I needed the 20 dollars to do the laundry. I told her I would take care of it. (Obviously one load of laundry is not 20 dollars).

In the course of next two hours she kept coming over saying it was 4 oclock she was over every 40 minutes or so. Each time I had to tell her I had no where for her to sit because I was moving furniture around and I have crap in every available seating. "Thats ok I will just stand here" A mintue would pass then she would say ok, I will be back at 4.

Once I suggested she knit and or crotch , she replied do I know how to knit and crotch?
Yes, you know how to knit and crotch why don't you make a blanket? I don't know how to make a blanket. I don't think, I have anything to make a blanket. I reminded her she has 3 brand new rolls of yarn on her table, and she can put out a blanket in a week. Ok, I will see if its true she said. Another time when she returned and I had no seat for her I inquired about the knitting or crotching, it had only been about 40 mintues and about the 6th time of her over by this point. "I have been knitting all day long how fast do you really think I can make a blanket?" Very grippy in tone. I know you can make a blanket in a week. "Well I can't" O-H OK, then .What am I supposed to say to that? ( I know she has been knitting or crotching since she was 9 years old probably not a year has past until right now)

I did send my oldest daughter over to make sure the A/C was still on, that I turned on 8am in the morning.

After I had finally cleaned up my organizing or spring cleaning in the living room, sure enough she was over for lunch time. The older kids spent the time with her they watched cartoons and listened to music. Every 30 minutes she asked the kids if she can stay. She was over for 6 hours. She complained to the youngest how to help her get to her sisters and brothers. Even with my middle daughter 5 feet away from her she still thinks her grand daughter is in the hospital.
Everyday I have to suggest to her to wear shorts instead of pants cause it is so damn hot. Rarely does she dress for the weather, overly or under.

laughing...she thought at one point myself and my daughter were only in panties, cause she couldn't see that we were wearing shorts.

My days are not boring thats for sure. Just another day I making her miserable.

misc...this heat is making me bitchy

2006-07-23T06:46:00.000-07:00

I have been bitchy...bitch, bitch, bitch, not so much being the bitch but bitching. Ah never mind.
Yesterday, according to weather.com my zip code it was 109 feels like 114 at 4:30pm still after 7pm it was 100. Nasty!

My GI problem really has been flaring up, I have been miserable. I have gotten to a point some of the pains I have gotten used to or a higher tolerance, constant annoying err in my abdomen. I thought this morning, is it weather related, is this damn heat and humidity really effecting me. Sure enough in my results "it's not your imagination".

I am so freakin tired all the time, I can't go back to being in bed 20 hours a day. I don't want to eat anything, I have too eat, choosing lesser of evils. It's all evil right now. My acid reflux is coming back hard too, damn right after eating sherbert. I know its bad when the pain killer and a shot of alcohol in 8 oz of juice doesn't ease anything.

Almost every night for the past couple of weeks including last night I have been having muscle jerks as I fall asleep. It slightly wakes me only for it to continue. I feel my muscles tightening up then the jerking, even at time my arms wail. It can be painful, it is annoying as hell. I can only reduce some of it, if I lay on my stomach which puts pressure on my front leg muscles. That isn't long my ribs start to hurt.
I have complained twice to my HMO about it, only to be told they never heard of it. Even when I insisted it is painful and bothersome, I was told there is no medication for it. Interesting there so much information on the net about it, I swear to my peanut butter, sometimes I wonder about the staff there. I have found it is either a sleep disorder, sleep starts or restless leg syndrom . I tried to tell the doctor it but just looked at me with head cocked to one side, uh dunno look. My own children and spouse have made comments about seeing me go through it.
My body flops and wails damn its painful and come the morning I am stiff, which is what wakes me up, but not feeling rested.

I have got to find me some device that will take the humdity away, it has to exist, I just don't know what they are called. I need my life back again.

misc..timing so far has been good

2006-07-22T09:39:00.000-07:00

The past couple of months or this year in general has been good timing. While bad health is never good timing and vehicles needing major repairs is never a good time, it has worked out well. Now that I have said it I probably have jinx it all.
My daughter falling ill, I would never ever want it actually was good timing, during the summer, she didn't miss any school. My oldest not in school able to be the big sister and the oldest, helping out as she has done.
While I had to watch what I ate and look after myself while my daughter was in the hospital my GI problems didn't flare up until she returned home. I had a hell of day yesterday one of the worse in awhile, it was bad. Since my daughter has been home my issues have resurfaced, I hate feeling like crap, I hate feeling tired, I hate all the stomach problems I hate being very very tired. It has only been a couple of days already I want my ol lifestyle back. Last month was great for me. Yet, better now home then while she was in the hospital.

Funny, I have been married now for several years. Its timing that makes some sentiments so heart touching. My daughter interviewed the spouse while she was in the hospital and I was home for a short period of time. Then she interviewed me with the same questions later. My husband loves me he really loves me and the kids. His answers were more about his wife and kids then I answered. Yet, many answers it turns out we answered the same and didn't know it, things like 3 ways to improve the world, where to vacation etc. Questions just don't discuss, it doesn't come up, but we answered the same. When my daughter read his responses I cried. I cried tears of happiness. My spouse is a wonderful spouse and dad.

My mind, emotions and physical being has been so bent around my daughter and even how crappy I have been feeling. I know it is time for my spouse. I knew, I couldn't give him the time and attention a man deserves, because my mind was so bent on my daughter. Now, my mind is better my heart is better, she has only been complaining of acid reflux, she knows its a side effect. I am now waiting for my GI problems to reside just enough for the time with him. It is time.

It is time to get back to as normal as possible. I have things to do and people to give attention too just my gut has to cooperate.

If I knew, I would have health problems I wouldn't have gotten married. If I had any idea at all, my children would have health problems like this I would have gotten my tubes tied at a very early age and not have had children. Family is family we all deal with it together. Makes us all stronger and better people.

Alzheimers health...she just waits for him to leave

2006-07-22T07:43:00.000-07:00

Oh my, the mother in law just waits for my spouse to leave then loves to give me a hard time. Yesterday while he was out she kept insisting she hasn't seen her grand daughter in days and just wouldn't look in the patio. Ok, so I change the subject, she will figure it out as soon as my daughter comes in from outside.

Man oh man, too long of conversations of her demanding to be put into a retirement home. She wants to go to the midwest . No matter how I told her its twice the rent here, no matter how I told her how small the rooms are, and she would have to get rid of most of her possessions she didn't care. She wants to go where her husband was. I tried to tell her they wouldn't let her have her jewelry nor cash. NO I want to go! You don't let me out of my house you never let me see anyone you make me be lonely.
Nicely and softly and loving as possible I tried to tell her it wasn't true, she is over for several hours a day and sees her grand children every day. IT IS TRUE you make me be lonely.

I want to go to a retirement home in ____ (state). I am going to call my sister in law for the place. I tried to explain to her she won't see her grand children every day that way. I don't care! Its your fault I am lonely.
I am going to come over here everyday all day long. OK, you know the little one starts school in September right? WELL I will just have to deal with that when the day comes.

Where is my son? He is probably out buying up the store as he always does what's the matter with him? He is bringing back dinner he will be back soon.

With each day she is getting worse and worse with her yelling and attitudes, and nastiness.

It is almost funny she is starting to get into my face so close I think she is going to kiss me on my lips. Asking me any question. Now she is doing it to neighbors that around the pool, I see these people move their heads back she is sooooo damn close. Well, they can defend themselves from a little ol lady getting in their face. haha

She doesn't say a word to me, until he leaves...I need to start recording the conversations, really she does wait.

That's me MISS making everyone lonely. I have that power, secret power, snap of my fingers make those around me miserable. NOT
Sometimes just have to laugh, about it all...well not in front of her of course.

just saying...nothing like some bullshit early in the morning

2006-07-22T06:09:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I love this guy or hate him. I was laughing, on the inside cause it wouldn't be nice to wake up the spouse with my wicked laughter.
the 7 day miracle (myass) cleanse
What an actor he must have been a male cheerleader at some point. So passionate about the product talking with his hands, standing on some beach...whate-v-e-r.

Out right lies, all lies!
I wonder if he was brainwashed into believing all the crap or if he really believes in it.
How can they get away with all the bullshit claims? It needs to be pulled off the air or edited.It will not cure anything, it is not the fountain of youth. Myself having to do prep work for a colonoscopy I will say there is nothing fun about it. No, my skin didn't get better, it didn't take away inches, it didn't take away bloating, or cure my GI problems. The only thing it did, was make me feel sick very sick, and dehydrated prior to my scope. Every person I have ever met who has had to do colonoscopy doesn't look forward to having to do it again. It's the prepping, the cleansing out of the colon, and the procedure itself. Most cases put to sleep during the procedure but no one says YEAH, I get to cleanse my colon. Rather, comments don't wish it on anyone. People who have struggled with GI problems relating to colon and intestines will just laugh at this commercial. If this really was a cure then millions of people would not have to be on medications and surgery. It's just lies and some fad of the moment.

It pisses me off, some guy making such lies and offering up bullshit claims. No wonder so many people don't understand how difficult IBD, IBS, Colitis, Crohns disease etc etc is. Got some peppy asshole telling tv viewing audience I have your cure. It isn't a cure.
The only thing it is going to do is make you shit, more. What an asshole, no seriously he is telling people use the product and often, so you can ultimately land your ass in a hospital, that is what is going to happen.
People believing it will be the fountain of youth, and shedding the pinch an inch tummy roll, curing PMS and healthier skin would be doing themselves a disservice by cleansing the colon too much. A wake up call going to any pharmacist and say what product to use to cleanse the colon? They will probably inquire if prepping for a procedure, if not they will most likely ask why then. There sure is cheaper ways then the product in the commercial, over the counter drink up!
leave the shit alone.
I think I hate this guy and all his promises and claims, he is putting ideas into peoples head that can land people in the hospital. The company needs to be sued for false advertising SERIOUSLY!

mothers and daughters...lessons learned

2006-07-21T08:32:00.000-07:00

For years I have been telling people and teachers my daughter is one of the nicest people I ever met. I have always known she had a fighting spirit, and strong will since she was under 2 months old.
I have always been told by family and strangers she was an ol soul. When she was little strangers would tell me she should be in print or tv/movies. Teachers would say "I love her" wanna take her home. She steals everyone hearts, while my youngest entertains everyone and my oldest we all live through her remembering what it was like to be her age.

Communication with her hasn't always been easy, I have always told her just how special she is and how impressed I am with her big heart.

Yesterday she learned what side effects of chemo and her medications are, but she may not get any side effects. She learned she will have to take medications for the rest of her life. She learned she will have to take chemo pill for the next five years. She learned she will have to take blood tests every two weeks for a long time. She learned her medication has increased in quanitity. She knows more uncomfortable tests are in her future. She knows she still has a lot more weight to gain back plus more. She knows what to look out for and what to tell me, then I can make note of and if needed call doctors.

When she talks about the procedures she had in the hsopital she says none of it hurt, although I know differently cause I was there and I did see or hear of tears. She has said herself its ok she has to take so many medications everyday it will keep her out of the hospital.

She doesn't complain about anything unless its really bothering her still its very quiet. She just wants the reassurance its going to be ok. I have learned my daughter young as she is, is one tough cookie, she has incrediable inner strength. Through everything she just smiles, tells everyone else its ok.

I am in so much awe of her, I never thought I would look up to one of my children as their were children. WOW! I have been blessed! She is such a wonderful person, rarely and I mean rarely gets into any kind of trouble at home, big big heart, stong will, inner strength, makes friends easily, still hugs up on me, Mom. I love her not just because its unconditional mother to duaghter love but I love the person she is.

mothers and daughters...hardest conversation to date

2006-07-20T10:19:00.000-07:00

As a Mom I had to many of a tough choices. This morning was the hardest conversation ever had to do. This morning I talked with my child the typical side effects of taking chemo. I had too, she may not have any, but she needed to be told so she won't be scared or frightened.

Funny she already knew of locks of love, I linked to it a couple months ago because I thought it was a great cause.

She took the talk very well. I promised her if her hair comes out I will make sure she looks pretty all the time, but she has a pretty face and even more beautiful inside. She smiled when I told her if she becomes bald I will take her for henna, paint some pretty things on her head, or take her for a wig whatever she wants. She smiled big and she gave me big hugs.

She is so wonderful, so brave, so strong so much my angel.

just saying..everyone has an opinion doesn't make em an expert

2006-07-20T08:44:00.000-07:00

The other day some woman neighbor was telling me it's my fault my oldest daughter doesn't know how pretty she is. Tried too give me advice. I told her she didn't know what she was talking about and has no background or history to talk about it. That didn't stop her oh no.
Look! (don't know why say look in a conversation when there is nothing to look at) I work very hard in teaching my girls self confidence and self esteem. The one has enough for three people. If I had my way they will think they are the best thing ever, then they would be less likely to be a victim. I walked away from the woman.

I am very tired of her advice and she is wrong. One day she was listening to the mother in law talk and talk and make all sorts of accusations. You should do this, you should do that.
I felt like I had to defend myself right in front of my mother in law. ITS NOT TRUE! I don't make her stay in her house never seeing anyone, she is over everyday between 4-12 hours. Whatever it was, I said it wasn't true. The mother in law had tears in her eyes.
No! in fact she has it pretty damn good, all her needs and wants are being met, she see's her son and grandchildren every day even gets served first every meal she has with us, we even take her with us on vacations.

One of the biggest reasons I like to keep to myself around here. People think they know your business but not really.

Personally, I am ok with my oldest being shy around the pool and shy to people in general. She has a womanly figure and the longer she is a virgin the better I am thinking. Pretty damn good in my book never been kissed by this age, yeah!

I am happy she isn't a big flirt like I was, oh and I still am. I have the esteem and experience to handle any response unlike her. It all will come in time and I have the time.

Alzheimers health...they should just kill themselves

2006-07-20T07:46:00.000-07:00

Oh my peanut butter, yesterday the mother in law, heard on the news there is a patch that is hopeful for people with Alzheimers.
They should just kill themselves. She is sure getting onry in her age. I said nothing to her comment. Yesterday she came over around 2pm and she stayed only about two minutes and left. Only to return an hour later demanding help to find her glasses. Some one stole her glasses, I tried to say she had them on her face when she was over an hour before. "I was not here today!", she replied, I only said OK. I walked with her to her home a whole 30 seconds away. In that time she insisted she never takes off her glasses unless she goes to bed, even then she puts them by her bed therefore someone stole her glasses. I tried to assure her in that time, they are in her house.
Sure enough they were easy to find on the dinner table. She tried to laugh it off it would be impossible for anyone to find its dark in her house. I reminded her she was blind in one eye, "NO I am not!"
Yes, honey you are, the eye doctor I took you too said so. "OH Yeah, my one eye (touching it) was hurt in the WAR, this one can't see so well. " Ok then we will see you a little later, yes?!
She returned 45 minutes later .

Apparently she has been driving the family crazy wondering about her grand daughter in the hospital. It was hard, my daughter would say I am not up to grandma visiting me, yet grandma wanted to go to the hospital.

One visit grandma was playing with the balloons strung to the chair she sat in. She released them, playing around I asked her if the balloons were bothering her. "NO, I didn't know what it was." Another visit she asked where were they all, the daughter in the hospital bed said we are in the hospital.

At one point the mother in law was telling a neighbor her grand daughter was in the hospital but couldn't remember her name and asked my oldest for the name.

Yesterday, she accused me of stealing her money. I only reminded her some of the places including on herself, she puts her money. She scared the hell out of me, she was sobbing in the rest room as she was opening the door. It was quite verbal and loud, I inquired if she was ok and if something happened in the restroom. She denied she was crying or in pain.
Seriously people don't sob like that unless something is up, she just denied it.
Maybe she cried and didn't realize how loud she was, maybe she realized she had another "accident". I don't know, I was very concerned though.

She kept asking me yesterday when my daughter was coming home from the hospital. Even though she just saw her a minute before. I tried to say how long she has been home from the hospital and even once or twice said you just saw her a moment ago. "No, I didn't she isn't here!" She is outside trust me go join them, but its hot outside.

Funny, she is very talkative and the accusations come out when her son, my spouse isn't in the room.

The mother in law is having a hard time absorbing how sick my daughter really is. Yes she is healthy enough to come home from the hospital but she has some many medications to take and have to really watch what she eats and look out for side effects. At different times we tried to tell the mother in law they don't give blood transfusions to healthy kids.
I think, it would probably be best to just say she is fine.

Mothers and daughters...keeping strong

2006-07-19T08:40:00.001-07:00

First morning home, the daughter slept in, no more being woke up 6am for blood work and to be weighed along with vital signs.
Fighting back the tears, I put on the medical gloves, got out the cutting board and large knive, slowly and carefully cut 30 chemo pills in half for her. Then washed throughly and bleached both the knive and cutting board. It hit me, its 60 days of this medication.

At least she has no problem taking all her meds, does all but one without water.
She is happy to be home and has went back to normal activity for her.

This treatment is effecting my mind and heart, I think more then her. Well it's not fatal but she will have this health issue for the rest of her life.

more updates later...

Mothers and daughters...its good to be home

2006-07-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

Finally my baby girl has been released from the hospital 9 days in. Its good to be able to come home with her. Back to the normal life as much as you can be . Unfortunately I have to give her 10 pills at breakfast and two at lunch and two at dinner, she has become used too it all. Only two prescriptions are three times a day. Pills like antibiotics, steroids, chemo, and even vitamins etc.
Yeah fun. But its great to be home with my little daughter.
UPdates later.

mothers and daughters..9 days and counting

2006-07-14T14:10:00.000-07:00

I have been next to litterally next to my daughter for nine days and counting. I have been cut off from the anything beyond her. I don't know whats going on in the world at all. All's I do know she is in the hospital for the past 5 days and will continue to be in the hospital for another week.
She has recieved a blood transfusion already, and has began treatments that will be for the next 6 weeks. Even when she does come home she will be on IV drip.
I have come home to take a bath, shave, and update a few relatives, friends and those at home and get more laundry for the next week.
my youngest is taking this all very well, my oldest is stepping up and being the her role as the oldest sibling.

I am very tired, mentaly, emotional and physicaly, but none of this is about me, no! I will not cry in front of her. She has me all too herself and she is happy with it. My little angel always has been always will be.

mothers and daughters ..dont wanna leaver her

2006-07-11T12:51:00.000-07:00

So my little girl is in the hospital and I only came home to shower and change. She will be there for another day or two. Well if you know me then you have numbers and emails addresses.

Mothers and daughters...be next to me

2006-07-10T06:53:00.000-07:00

My daughter continues to have a fever it is now 5 days. She has just been asking for my company while she just lays in bed. Just to be in the same room or next to her in my bed. That's the thing about human touch. Holding Mom's hand while feeling bad makes her feel better if only emotionally.
Last night her little sister was restless, and having problems falling asleep. She has been jealous I am sure, all my atttention has been with her sister. She usualy shares her room with her sister she isn't used to sleeping alone. It was past her bedtime, I ended up just putting my arm over her and she feel asleep in 5 minutes. I still got it .
They still want their mom.

I am off this morning to take my daughter to a doctor. I am going to have to push for different screenings. I have to get them to find the source of her fevers and be healthy again. I need her to get back to bugging me every hour she wants to do something, just laying in bed isn't her nature. My child shouldn't be in bed with fevers for this long. There is something wrong.
I really can't do anything else or think about anything else but getting her the medical help.
I am out of my mind with worry.

Annoying actors

2006-07-09T11:18:00.000-07:00

johnny depp is an American Orginal, what the? What-ever! I remember him giving an interview years ago, he hated America thats why he left the country and got duel citizenship else where and got himself a lady.
Now, he likes America now that the roles are coming in with bigger paychecks.
Many millions of persons who saw the same show as I did forgot but I didn't.

Fine whatever he is entitled to speak his mind, just wrong. I hate America gonna leave oh wait , home sweet home big money is involved.

Mothers and daughters...feeling powerless

2006-07-09T10:29:00.000-07:00

Nothing feels more powerless then unable to get my daughter feeling better. My second child has been having a fever for about 5 days now. 6 1/2 hours in ER last night only proved she hasn't an infection in the screenings they did from urine and blood. Yet when a child has average 103 for 5 days there is something going on. I can't do anything about it. I keep her company and watch her vital signs and got her an appointment with a doctor tomorrow.

I know there is something going on in her little body, this isn't right!
I keep telling her, a MOM is a 24 hour job, no matter the time, too wake me and tell me she is feeling bad. It is my job!

I am worried out of my mind.

Myspace horror stories..right n wrong

2006-07-08T06:33:00.000-07:00

Normally, I would say it's pretty easy to determine the difference between right and wrong. I have found myself struggling what to do. What is the right thing to do.
I have come across some myspace profiles that could be very dangerous for the minors. In the comment section is a physical house address with words like party and swimming, also included is a phone number for rsvp. The minors show their pictures and even say what school they go to and what city it is. The minors who comment have their pictures attached with the comments and they too go to the same school.
I am scared for these kids. They are basically local to me, well sort of. If I can read the comments who else can too. I am struggling with if I should make a copy of it all and mail the school or go to the police department and have them look into it. The owners or renters of the home should know that the address is being publicly advertised as "party".
Scary times we are living in at this moment that address could be monitored with photos and information in hand, just waiting for the perfect time.

Should or shouldn't I speak up?

desserts

2006-07-06T10:48:00.000-07:00

I used to tell the kids dessert is a treat, they are not going to get it every night. I didn't want them to expect it. Recently things have changed. The idea of dessert has changed. I am more likely to let them have dessert many times a month now.
Dessert now can be all sorts of things. Fruit, kids cereal, a trip to the juice bar, hot chocolate, and popcorn. Very nice, the kids think a cup of popcorn is dessert and they can put it in the microwave themselves. Cereal for dessert has got to be better then ice-cream and/or cake. They want a banana for dessert oh my heart sings in pride. Healthy choices and healthy amounts it doesn't get any better.

Farm or not to farm ..show me the money

2006-07-02T07:43:00.000-07:00

government pays not to farm I first heard of this oh about five years ago. Driving through the midwest full of farms it was clear. Something was going on, why some farms had over growth, verses some farms nothing in the field, some farms can figure out, what the crop was. The homes ranged from modest to mansion like in style. Never been a farmer myself the observation was confusing.
The person I was with who had farmed, who had family who had always farmed, told me how the government pays people not to farm. What happens is Corporations take advantage of it buy up land to let it sit. The family who have farmed for generations after generations struggle.
A year or two ago one of those gossip shows, pointed out the tv and movie stars who are taking advantage of this, buying up big farm lands and get paid not to farm.

It not a lack of people keeping with the heritage of this country and family line. Its about over production.

I ask one question to think about. In California the gas prices are higher then other parts of the country because of ethanol additives. Midwest farmers are told the corn they grow must be for other purposes then consumption. Combined with this and the government paying people not to farm why is fuel expensive? It doesn't seem right.

Basic Economics101 control the supply and demand, control the prices.
Look close to home next time wanna complain about the prices of fuel. Look homeward for the pricing of consumer goods in general.

What made this country is the farmers and the manual laborers all the blue collar workers. Everything comes from their labor, the food we eat, the clothes on our backs to the roofs over our heads even all the different ways to travel, even technology and medicines.
It's a shame really, as a nation we should come together and support the blue collar workers more.
It's easier to be sheep and follow the distractions and smoke and mirrors of the politicians, they point out into the distance and look that direction.pisses me off.

I got this thing ..it's very clear

2006-06-30T13:53:00.000-07:00

I have realized I have this thing for a certain type of fictional characters. James Bond, Batman it has to be the mask, Dirk Pitt, Jack Bauer, and Jack Reacher.

I don't go seeking these character out, I don't know of the authors in adnvanced , nor are the stories recommended. I just pick up a book and start reading . I came across the other fictional character cause of tv or movies they all seem to have the same things in common though.
I can't get enough.

mothers and daughters...shoulda stayed in bed..

2006-06-29T13:06:00.000-07:00

9am the mother in law is over. She said her clock told her it was 9 in the evening. The clock is correct it is 9 but in the morning. This went into a couple of rounds, even tried to tell her look its light out, you would just be getting in for bed if it was 9 at night. Ok I will see you at 4 then? I know it will be every couple of hours. I guess at the one moment she remembered the clock has a small hand, otherwise it doesn't exist.

For a couple of hours it was just me and the kids, had an errand to do. I get home and in frustration say I am tired of hearing myself talk.
the youngest says: Well you should buy yourself a zipper and put it on your mouth.

I say to the spouse did you hear how your child spoke to me? Then it was a big joke. haha

I had a rough night, my mind and body is very very tired like exhaustion, this morning I had so many plans to do around the house, even my eyes are telling me go back to bed.

My sinuses are acting up again....I hate this weather.

love songs ...yes the world still needs love songs

2006-06-28T12:30:00.000-07:00

HERO By: Enrique Iglesias
(Let me be your hero)

Would you dance if I asked you to dance
Would you run and never look back
Would you cry if you saw me crying
Would you save my soul tonight
Would you tremble if I touched your lips
Would you laugh oh please tell me this
Now would you die for the one you love
Hold me in your arms tonight

I can be your hero baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away

Would you swear that you'll always be mine
Would you lie would you run and hide
Am I in too deep have I lost my mind
Well I don't care you're here tonight

I can be your hero baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away

Ohhh I just wanna hold you,
I just wanna hold you, oh yeah
Am I in too deep have I lost my mind
Well I don't care you're here tonight

I can be your hero baby
I can kiss away the pain
(Ohhhhhhhhhhhh yeah)
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away

I can be your hero
I can kiss away the pain
And I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away
You can take my breath away
I can be your hero

I heard this song this morning and it just brought me to tears. Funny thing about love songs. Some songs can just drill right into ones soul, without notice, without a noise BAM!, sometimes just sometimes its something needed at that moment. Stupid loves songs can bring all sorts of things and sometimes just don't have the words for.

Hearing the song just made me cry. It made me think of my spouse. Over the years I have been accusing him of being distant, and just chose to live with it. Nothing worth ending a marriage over. The song the damn song... I realized it has been me who has been distant for awhile. My spouse has been there and continues to do so, it is I who is distant. Maybe for protection?.

My spouse has been trying hard, very hard lately to be very verbal how he feels about me. He has stood by me through my toughest hours that lead to years of bad health. He continues to stand by me, ready to kiss away my tears through my heartache of my father battling cancer. What do I do? I don't make a deal about it all, yet he has been the song, and I haven't acknowledged it enough.

That's me pushing people away in effort to protect myself. There are some people that can't be pushed away. Special friends that are always there even if don't take advantage of it.

I dunno...

just saying..some murders better then others

2006-06-28T08:58:00.000-07:00

Railroad killer has been excuted. I guess all the celebrities were busy to protest. Some murders or serial killers are more important to protest for then others. Maybe Texas is just a bunch of tougher people?
Oh I know what it is, find religion on death row, get a bunch of protestors, got it!

mothers and daughters...parents...when the brain changes everything

2006-06-26T11:14:00.000-07:00

For handful of years I have been caring for the inlaw/s who have Alzheimers. There is a certain amount of distance involved. Not on a non caring level but never knowing the person as they were and always knowing as Alzheimer symptoms. There isn't the true bonding can get with a person who has a full deck of cards. While I do care about the welfare and the sense of happiness its different.
For awhile I could only imagine what the husband was going through watching his parents not be the people they once were. Over the years I have kept my husband up to date to all conversations and actions of his parent/s. Not in effort to bitch or complain but just so he knew what had occurred when he wasn't in the room.
It's different alright! My father still battling brain cancer. The more time I spend with him, he is not at all the person I remember him being. I find it very emotionally and mentally trying on me. I search for the strength not to take over my day in many ways. I do have the experience, in dealing with a person with mental set backs obviously through the inlaw/s. It is very hard when my own parent who I do have a long invested emotional ties with is completely different.

In so many ways the brain cancer has made him speak and his thought processes just like a person with Alzheimers. It is easier dealing with the mother in law because I have always known her to ask the same question every 2 minutes . It is easier when she gets upset when she doesn't understand something that would be basic sentence to anyone else. It's much harder when my father gets upset anytime he has to repeat himself on any subject. It makes communication for me like I am walking on egg shells. He calls and vents and dumps on me about everything he is going through its an hour conversation. Its not a problem that's what family is for.
The problem is he won't listen. Try to cheer him up and just like the mother in law gets wants nothing of the sort. Yet he really does or wouldn't call. It is reaching out for support when make a phone call to vent.

It is more difficult knowing own parent is in denial about chemotherapy and all the issues with it. While I do understand his frustrations he thought after a couple months (now) he is done with chemo pills but in fact be told no another 12 months of every day. No matter what I tell him about the side effects of chemo pills I am wrong. No matter what I say about anything I am wrong. Oh he has become annoying. He is my father , I don't think he really realizes how much his personality has done a 180 turn.
It is about his fight. It is about keeping him a sense of happiness. I know its the little moments and it will never be about conversations. While I want to hit him over the head with reality brick about his cancer and how chemo works and all the side effects I don't think it would sink in and stick.
It torments me. I do however have the experience and knowledge to just be there for him. I do have an advantage over other relatives and even his spouse. It doesn't make it easier on the heart and mind it does in the soul however.

go see joz and give a little support for her dad

just saying...feel like making love..

2006-06-26T08:26:00.000-07:00

The other night I was flipping through the channels and I came across this Baldwin brother, on a show. I stopped for a second, long enough to give me the creeps. He was going on and on about his romance with his wife. Normally I would give all sorts of kudos when I hear someone speak highly of their spouse.
The Baldwin brother mentioned above...was saying things like he found God and their sex life improved. He was saying it was better once they had God in their lives. Then he was saying how special it was making love to his wife was like making love to GOD and it's like a prayer.
I am happy for the couple really I am.

Just a little fanatical that's all.

His official website is in myspace, that's right got to save the youth .

just saying...when I am with my spouse in that way, I don't want to think I am making love to GOD it's a personal thing. I even make sure I don't use the name while in the act. Really I don't want the attention. :)

If sex was that special, society would have strict, tough laws and restrictions.

mothers and daughters...greatest hair style

2006-06-24T08:17:00.000-07:00

Ever! "Mom this is the greatest hair style, I love it" No, I don't think so it looks like clown hair.
I want my hair like this all the time.
NO, I am not going to take you anywhere with clown hair.
She sat there in the mirror taking her picture, this was one of her flirting pics. This was before actually brushing out so it was even bigger. Then she was trying to "rat it" to make the back even bigger. She even tried to argue "Mom you had 80's hair" The difference was my style in the 80's was the norm even actresses had the same style. She tried to argue that I was trying to get her to conform to society and its wrong.
It has nothing to do with conformity but having enough style to know you have a stupid hair do. There are reasons cripping styles never took off as a fad.
EWE, I am going to have to look at her today and insist she wash it. I know that head hasn't seen shampoo for 5-6 days.
Oh what's the difference the mother in law in her Alzheimers only gets her hair washed when we get her hair styled. That's the thing about Alzheimers she knows she has done it all her life there for by default she does every day which isn't true. Trickery is in order, as too not hurt or insult feelings.
stubbornness, from the child and the mother in law...about hair, which leaves me just rolling my eyes.

mothers and daughters...new job

2006-06-22T11:15:00.000-07:00

Again this morning I went over to the mother in laws. I brought her some coffee filters and a large container of coffee. Her coffee maker was on, she said she made coffee. Upon close examination it wasn't coffee at all, just water. I made her half a pot of coffee. Again she said she forgot how to make coffee.
New daily job title : coffee maker. Just what I always wanted to do go to someone's house to make them coffee. University of Starbucks here I come.

She made comments she has been up for several hours. I asked her what time she goes to bed. Proudly, late 8:30pm-9pm! Well that's not very late and that's why you might wake early. She responded you don't let me see anyone, I never get to talk to anyone and the tears began. Ok, you know that isn't true, I will see you later. Ok at 4pm she responded like no other conversation just happened.

That's Miss Coffee Maker.

alzheimer, mother I forgot ....

2006-06-21T10:24:00.000-07:00

This morning I went over to the mother in laws, a whole 10 second walk away. I guess she mentioned last night she was out of coffee. I freshly ground up some beans for her to have a pot of coffee. She was complaining of a migraine and the symptoms that come along with it. "I never have migraines ever." I did nicely say I will take her to the doctor soon because she has them quite often. She offered up her mother had them she must have inherited it. I made the pot of coffee for her and suggested the coffee would help with her headache.
She said "Thank God you are making me coffee I forgot how to make it" I am sure she will not remember ever making the statement. She also commented if she has a cup of coffee she will be up to four in the morning. Well I said "It's only 9:30am I think you will be ok."

Birth week

2006-06-21T07:36:00.000-07:00

I am celebrating my birth week for the next 7 days. Happy Birthday to me. I can't say what I want. ..I just want to be surrounded by my friends. Like anyone else, to hear happy birthday and the sentiment happy your alive and in my life.
It's just another year.
I am going to cancel my birthdays from now on.

Postcards

2006-06-21T07:30:00.000-07:00

She loves me. I got a postcard from her trip to London.
I just love the postcards!

She sent me one from her trip to Europe.

It's just so damn cool!

misc

Some guys should never.....

2006-06-20T07:02:00.000-07:00

Dress as a woman, Im just saying. Yesterday while on an errand I get out of my vehicle and see what at first I thought was the ugliest woman I have ever seen. Upon second look, it was a man an ugly man dressed as a woman.
This person had on a dark wig, light colored shirt even some kind of bra that made it look like nipples, a flowery skirt white stockings and flat shoes. As the person entered the retail store a gust of wind lifted up the skirt slightly to show the white thigh highs. The only make-up this person had on was lip gloss.
My errand was inside the same place of business. I was after a sale a great sale I noticed two days prior. Three minutes passed, one of the checkers yelled out, "Did you see the man dressed as a woman?" to the other checker . The other checker moved her head around to look for the man. I was about 30 feet away doing my thing but in view of the checkers. I nodded to the checker that I did see him. Even the checker made the same comment although verbally he was ugly.
When I went to check out, the checker had her opinions about men who dress as woman, they are up too no good. She mentioned when he left the store he hicked up the skirt even more.
Myself, I can see a good looking man who is gay pulling off dressing as a woman. Just some men should never. If they do, they need to get some advice some serious advice about cross dressing.
1. If butt ugly have to always wear a full face make-up not just lip gloss. 2. Pick clothing that is suited for frame not showing off just how much love handles carrying around. 3. Flats never look good when color doesn't match and in a short flowing flower skirt with stockings. 4. Must learn to walk more like a woman then a cave man. 5. Must learn the attitude. ..
Otherwise the checkers in retails will always yell out did you see?

It's very rare, I wish I had a camera in my phone yesterday was one of those rare moments.
Poor butt ugly guy has no freaking clue. Gave everyone a good laugh.

mothers and daughters...memories ..sisters

2006-06-16T08:21:00.000-07:00

The MIL had another bad night last night. She told me a completely new story ...way off course then what is true. This time her mother died at 44 and her older sisters were not relatives at all they lost their parents in a car crash and they took care of her. The mother in law's Alzheimers is getting so.. her stories of growing up, are becoming very interesting. I didn't correct her or ask questions.
It's an interesting twist though, her sisters not really sisters at all and after loosing her mother, these girls losing their parents in a car crash took care of the rest of the kids. Its not true. But ok.
I am sure today she will tell a different story .

Migraines and sex

2006-06-16T06:35:00.000-07:00

I am not really sure what this article is trying to say. Personally, I know if I engage in sexual activity when I have a migraine, it will be ten fold pain when finished. Being a migraine sufferer for most of my life, I will say having migraines has nothing to do with my desires.

Studies that involve sexual desires and activity is very complicated. The results can go either direction depending upon the persons and their history of averages in a year. Persons who have higher averages in a year are going to think and desire it more then counter partners who have it much less. Many factors go into lack of desires and activity. It's just too easy to screw the numbers to one end or the other with careful selection of a group.

Alzheimers health

2006-06-13T09:32:00.000-07:00

* Vaccine shows promise for treating Alzheimers.

* Brain Matter function imaging , detection of Alzheimers, depression, ADD, Autism, OCD, etc.

Memory Walk 06 is in Novemeber, I had/have a pledge page online...if interested in donating please leave a comment and I will forward the information via email.

mothers and daughters..memories

2006-06-13T09:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a difficult day for the mother in law, who has every symptom of Alzheimers. For a while now she can't remember her birthday, and even the year she was born and she thinks she is either two years younger or up to ten years older then she is.
She came over just moments before 11:30 am thinking it was 4:00pm, I did try to tell her it was only 11:30 and asked her if she had lunch yet? She responded OH I think I have already eaten once today. Its 12 then? No its 11:30, ok its 12. no its 11:30, ok I will be back later.
Sure enough five minutes before noon she returns this time with her clock in hand. She says its not the right time and it says 4:00, we tell her it does say the right time of five minutes before noon. She can read all the numbers on the clock she just can't member how to tell time and just ignores the small hand.

She returned around 3:30pm the next couple of hours was very difficult for her. She asked every two minutes for 15 minutes where was her son and grand daughter each time telling her where they were and when I expected them home.
For an hour every two minutes she was sobbing loudly she was broke and had no money. Each time I spoke to her like she was a little girl, soft and calmly and calling her honey. Sometimes begging her to check her bra. Hiding money in her bra is a new thing and when she does check it she will offer up "I hide it there so no one will steal from me". She would count her money three times and put it either in her purse or bra to do it all over again a few minutes later.
She has lost the concept of how much things cost now. She with her 100 plus dollars in hand was crying she needed more money it wasn't enough to buy a pair or two of nylons. I let it go, and told her I would take care of it for her.
I didn't even bring up how the month before she wanted socks and I asked her if she was sure she didn't want nylons. I remember her saying what was she going to do with nylons she wanted socks. In my mind it doesn't matter if she wants socks or nylons just get whatever she wants.

The news mentioned cancer...which set her off, its a horrible thing which everyone dies from. Even though I tried to calm her with people survive cancer more and more all the time. NO her mother died of cancer at 31 . It was too young to lose a mother. I know her mother did not die at 31 I know this for a fact but said nothing to it.

Trying to explain why I have a pile of blankets in the living room, was because a pipe broke in the wall of the closet we use for storage. I tried to explain no it wasn't in her apartment but here. I have to go home to check. I tried to show her the closet with the door off so she wouldn't leave.

The spouse at one point in the early evening had to calm his mother to check her bra for her money. The kids even tell her to check her bra.

the sound only young people can hear?

2006-06-12T18:47:00.000-07:00

Oh MY PEANUT BUTTER!!! The ringtone only young people or teenagers can hear. Ok this month is my birthday and I am past 30 I can hear it o-h can I hear it.
One ear but still it is an incredibly annoying noise that hits right inside my inner ear.
I swear to my peanut butter if someone really thinks they are going to mess with me I will be moved to an ass beating.
It is only in one ear but its bad! Its real bad! It was only funny the first few times , it lost the humor factor.
To mess with someone else or test if you can hear the mosquito ringtone .
Update:
This link is a quick free download of the mosquito ringtone. I heard it many times yesterday the spouse wanted to make sure I could really hear it, even when my back was to him and in another room. I was very annoyed to the point I would beat someones ass. It is almost cruel and unusual punishment, oddly enough my sinuses started to act up and still have a problem this morning. Damn! I did it to myself to make sure the link works. I am a dumbass.

mothers and daughters...magnet

2006-06-11T10:04:00.000-07:00

Magnet reads I love you Mom, a gift for Mothers Day 06. The 3rd child, youngest, says "Mom I need to save this magnet when you die I am going to give it to my next Mom"
Myself, "child, do you think I am going to die soon?"
Witty 6year old "Never know have to plan for the future"

Myspace horror stories

2006-06-09T14:21:00.000-07:00

* AUSTIN, Texas - A 14-year-old girl who says she was sexually assaulted by another user of MySpace.com sued the social networking Web site Monday, claiming it does not take sufficient steps to protect underage members.

No its not the site's fault. NO, if the parents payed more attention to what the minor child was doing on the internet then, it wouldn't make news.
16 year old girl leaves the country to meet "Myspace friend" The FBI detained her and send her ass back to the states.
Keystroke software.

what does 5 pounds of cosmetics get me?

2006-06-09T11:08:00.000-07:00

Nothing! 2 pairs of fake eyelashes, at least 4 different shades of foundation, 3 different shades of pressed powder, 4 big brushes, 3 black mascaras even one primer, 1 eyeliner pencil, 6 different shades of red lipstick, 3 teasers, two semi permanent lipstick, 6 other shades of lipstick, 6 different shades of cheek powder, a couple handfuls of eye shadows all sorts of colors, one bottle of Proactive , concealers teeth whiteners...etc. etc.
I have make-up for every lighting situation. Either the mirror and it’s lights are very kind or I am very vein. The camera hates me! It has been adding 10 years to my face lately. Without make-up the camera thinks I am some drug addict.
Honey, is just me or does the camera make me look 10 years older? Spouse "Yes it makes you look older"
Honey, should I get botox to help me look younger? The spouse " I don't think botox will help you"

What a kill joy. I would be nice to just look my age, not 10 years older.
depressing.

Sure I like my man to be honest ...not this honest. Phif men

Oh he-ll NO

2006-06-09T10:47:00.000-07:00

I didn't need to see picture of dead terrorist as proof of killing . Couldn't it have waited to the 11 o'clock news? Enough of the dead guy pictures.

candy?

2006-06-09T09:02:00.000-07:00

Not so much. I wouldn't call it candy. I will try anything once and twice . This little item not so mcuh fun to try a third time.

Beginner and amateur? I am ok with it just add Miss before.

Mothers and daughters...woulda ,coulda, maybe, please

2006-06-08T12:32:00.000-07:00

I guess, I should take it as a compliment. "I don't have a daughter would you be my daughter, so when I get older I have someone to care for me?"
Flattering as it might be, I wonder is this my destiny? To take care of people for the rest of my life? Sure, sure it's comforting to know someone will be there in our golden years. My goodness my dance card is filling up, over the course of next couple of decades. I don't have to say a word, people see with their own eyes, how I have been looking after the elderly in-law/s. My own children tell me every so often, they will do by example I have provided to them.
Have to say the above mentioned question did take me off guard, it wasn't something I expected from a non-relative.

10 day notice

2006-06-05T08:42:00.000-07:00

I recieved a 10 day notice of action from the DMV. Threat of action within 10 days. Including the 35 dollar late fee it comes to 100 dollars. Its only a couple months due, get busy with life, forget...
The DMV is threatening action of any of the following; garnish wages, seize bank accounts, seize personal property, there was one more, also the paper work of release of liability. Good Grief! When did this start?

mothers and daughters...telling time

2006-06-02T09:19:00.000-07:00

Its 4 o'clock and all is well, not really.
I finally figured out why the MIL was bent on Well its 4 o'clock I am here where is everyone? It hasn't mattered she would say it 7 in the morning all the way up to 4.
She has all sorts of mini wrist watches, it has boggled my mind how on earth a blind person can read it. My vision for close is perfect and I have a hard time making out the time the watches are so small. I have had to reset the watches to the correct time, knowing she changes the time to the time she thinks it might be. I just have done it for her. Even a time or two she has gotten very upset at me and left because it wasn’t the time her watch indicated.

She has a rather large clock in her home which is next door. For quite awhile she comes over to say its 4 o’clock cause my clock said so. I do have to go into her home everyday to help her find something. The clock is telling the correct time.
It finally occurred to me…
I asked her if she could read the clock if I should get her an even bigger one. It was 9:20am, she said of course I can read it. Its 4 o'clock! Ok, I replied where is the small hand? ITS 4 O’CLOCK! Ok, calmly I said, I just want to know if I should get you a bigger clock can you tell me if you see the small hand? She took her finger from the point of the large hand and traced it to the end of the small hand. It's ummm, 9 , replying that’s correct it’s the morning. She went right back to its 4 o'clock pointing to the clock the big hand still right around the 4. I tried to walk away from the clock and get her to follow.

Now, I know why she comes over all times of the day and says its 4 o'clock. Every time the big hand is on the 4, it’s 4 0'clock, loosing the ability to tell time.

No, matter how many times she comes over in a day, she doesn’t remember doing so.
It’s light outside and the big hand is on the 4 it has to be 4 o’clock even if its 7:20am.
Next step to buy the biggest, brightest digital clock for her.

I wonder what number my youngest one will be fixed on when I really start to teach her to tell time.

Oh Brian my ol friend

2006-06-01T12:24:00.000-07:00

Brian is my special friend. I can talk to him about anything. Knowing the other is not a threat to S.O.'s and he lives far away.
But there is this one thing...Even my little one 6 years old asked me if Brian is in the group.
Seperated at birth?

Crash and burn

2006-06-01T09:34:00.000-07:00

What a night....I was all dressed up sexy like but not showing anything. Full of charm and confidence. My mission was to go to a bar where I know a certain girl works and hit her up for a date for a date. I even told her I was going to charm her in giving me the day before a certain date. It wasn't hard at all, she swooned right away.
Then I went to the store before going home. I had my eyes on a certain guy, I suggested a certain brand of razors. We hit it off, we walked together through the store. He showed off his phone and his videos on his phone. We really hit it off. He even said things like I have friends that would love you. When it came down to getting his number he ran.
Rejected? me no! Pissed off at myself I am lossing my touch.
I have always been able to get numbers. Ok once only once the number was wrong.
I came home all pissey. Told the spouse and he laughed then we got it on.
The night wasn't a total loss.

Who knows if the guy took my picture, never know these days. I can just imagine him telling the story to friends of his. What a pussy, they are probably telling him he was a dumbass for running.

Happy birthday to me to me

2006-05-31T08:31:00.000-07:00

If I am not careful I will burst into some Queen lyric.
June is my birth month and I plan to celebrate all month.

Down fall of middle America?

2006-05-29T06:59:00.000-07:00

" OMG! Please! *rolls eyes* I'm 21 years old and I have been on MySpace for years. Stop blaming the down fall of middle America on a website. It's not the website's fault. It's parents needing to watch what their kids do online. But, no, most are too busy with other things than to actually have a one on one relationship with their kid. It's sad the way people nowadys are blaming things on TV, movies, music, and the internet. It's sick. I raised all 4 of my sisters b/c my parents weren't around and only the oldest has a MySpace. She's monitered on it to some extent, but she's also not dumb enough to post addresses and phone numbers. And another thing, if parents would open up a bit more and not go hogwild when their kid tells them they've been drinking or having sex, they'd tell you more. I lost my virginity at the age of 17... to the man I'm married to today... and I told my mom the next day. Also, I used to sneak out every night and go drinking and partying... it's what you do at a young age... and if I'd get too drunk to drive, I'd call my mom... b/c she wouldn't flip out. She was very understanding. So, the decay of society is in the people who raise their kids WAY to strictly or not enough."

The above comment was left on this post. I have read and re-read my post. I do not believe I am implying Myspace is the fall of middle America. No if the fall of American society is the lack of invovlement with the youth from parents.

Personaly I don't care how much a youth "parties", I did myself it really depends on the youth and their maturity and responsiblity levels. I do believe my own children's fantasies come from watching too much tv.

MY biggest problem which continues as of just yesterday is underage boys solicitation for sex from Myspace. An example I recieved a request for friends the nickname was like Joe30year old male, yet going to the profile to double check it said 14 years old and the profile was set to private. My biggest problem is underage girls who do have pictures of themselves half naked and clearly state they are underage. My problem is I have seen with my own eyes how these underage persons will say what school they go to and the exact locations of their hangouts. They will link to each other and will talk about all hanging out with each other. I have seen it! underage girls invites for a party at a certain location.

MY question is where is the parents? Very scarry shit! Every week the tv shows how pervs are wanting sex with underage girls and busted! My own stats on this site is looking for underage naked pics and so forth.

The post of which the comment was made was filled with I, I and I . It was filled with my own eyes and experiences.

BIG challenge worlds largest fly squatter

2006-05-28T10:23:00.000-07:00

Tom Cruise verses Kirk Cameron...religion, religion , pointing the finger up on the soap boxes. Sinners!, the world is coming to an end. Repent!
Tom Cruise by far the most annoying, he gets more media coverage.
Punk em both with World's largest fly squatter ..No one likes to be told "Loser" Duh!

What the F is wrong with this generation of girl teens

2006-05-25T08:21:00.000-07:00

Not just my teenager but it seams to be a common thread in many households, little diva teens thinking the parents owe them fabulous lifestyles. It’s a class they take in school from 7th grade on. The response for everything " I don't have a big house, big backyard, my own room, fancy furniture" While myself and other parents I have talked too, wonder when are they going to take responsibility for their actions the children so absorbed in their fantasy world just wanna point the finger your too poor for my tastes that’s why I mess up over and over.

They have no real clue about what rich or poor really is. Living in middle class neighborhoods yet they want more they want what they see on tv. They actually think the negative attention actions will fly to get them the lifestyles of Parris Hilton.

It doesn’t matter these girls never go without. They have not lived as if the family had millions and millions but their attitudes are they did and lost it all.

Middle class parents tell the divas what the household has, we have, worked and saved for, nothing is given too you in life. Even those people who are so called rich work.

NO my diva thinks we are poor, her allowance is too low.

These girls have a secret class they go to. How to work on the parents, to give them the lifestyles of the rich and famous. None of them have it , none! How per-fect, escape from personal responsibility it’s the parents fault for not providing the house in the Hampton’s.

The stupid movies and shows parents saving the room just as they left the room, no she doesn’t understand that doesn’t really happen and many times parents who are grandparents sell their homes for much smaller.

I sure can work out deals for home loans, I won’t just because she wants it. No its all going to be on my own terms and when I have even more savings. It will be the perfect house to my wants and needs not hers. A friend of mine took out a second mortgage for her teen daughter bought into all the crap, it made no difference … they just want more.

When these girls move out, do their thing college, work, what-ver, they are going to find out how much that reality stick upside their heads really stings.

1 2 3 4 1 2

2006-05-24T08:55:00.000-07:00

I would have made a great drill sergeant. I sure can be a hard ass.

Hey Mickey!

2006-05-21T05:56:00.000-07:00

Mickey Happy Birthday to you.

...better change your ways...

2006-05-21T05:14:00.000-07:00

POP, a fraction of a second my mind wonders was that a balloon? Oh wait there isn't any balloons in the house. Ou-ch, it happened so fast I don't remember the order. Did I feel the pain in my hand then release or was the action that forced the release? I felt like my heart stopped for a fraction of second when I did hear the POP.
The children came from the other room and even from outside. "What happened?" As my hand shakes and throbs the realization the lighter had exploded in my hand right after lighting my cigarette. I told the kids the lighter exploded in my hand. In the moment, a bit of shock of what just took place. The pads of my skin under my fingers were hurting , not too bad, brushing off small shards of plastic and observing the bigger pieces on the counter and the broken lighter on the ground.
About 30 minutes of my hand shaking and the adrenaline rush, I was unable to eat the dinner I had prepared. No signs of injury, no swelling nor burns, just the uneasy feeling of un-trust for a cheap lighter.

Time to start investing in Zippos or quit.

mothers and daughters...rat...

2006-05-19T11:34:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago I had a rat in my kitchen. Needless to say I wasn't happy about it. After a couple of days, I took matters into my own and got all over the landlords case about the unwanted visitor. A heavy duty rat trap was delivered to my home and while the kids were in bed it went off.
The kids were pretty upset. I just couldn't allow a wild rat in my home. Seriously concerned over every member of my homes health, it had to die. I couldn't let it continue to keep trying to get into packaged foods on the counters. I had to protect my family from potential health problems it was wild! Ok, I was skiddish about the whole situation, but the spouse and I were discussing future rodent type pet and the kids knew it.

For the past couple of weeks, the kids been taunting me about rats. It’s just a game and I ignored it.
My teen daughter got busted last night. Nuttin like yelling at a child late late in the evening about a pet she has been hiding from her parents for a month. No no no, the rat pet can not stay. Myself and the spouse demanded she take it right out the house and back to the person she got it from.
Oh my poor baby girl. I have read her journaling ...Mom is this and that and it’s unfair for her to get punished or disciplined for her actions. We warned her if she messed up one more time a certain thing would be taken away. We always follow up with the consequences we say. No in her journaling Mom is wrong. She shouldn't be in trouble over having hidden a rat without any permission for a month in her room.

This is my house, and my spouses too. No child of mine will get away with hiding pets.
I do believe I am within my rights of a parent to do something fair and just for this action.

Teen daughters can’t beat them over the head with bricks ….

danger (Will) Robinson danger...danger

2006-05-18T12:41:00.000-07:00

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I'll be fine. Oh my Peanut Butter, Preacher Robertson makes predication for the US. Embarrassment to the Christian religion, the viewer ship for the 700 club must be going down. Where is he for China? Come on Nostradamus give me something can really use. If its not viewer ship down, maybe he is a media whore, maybe he going with the theory natural disasters, volcano eruptions and earthquakes travel the world. Any event he lost any creditability long ago.

Not being of righteous background I predict with absolute certainty there will be hurricanes to hit Florida and Gulf States. California sometime in the near future will have an earthquake. The Midwest will have tornados.

Its my personality's fault

2006-05-16T15:13:00.000-07:00

At last I am free, free at last I know what my problem is, the church of Scientology spam me so.

"The Church of Scientology Mission of Sherman Oaks is extending an invitation to you to receive an OCA Personality Test and evaluation free of any charge or obligation.
Your personality has everything to do with your income, your future, your personal relationships, and your life.A test of this kind would normally cost you $500.00 and up. It is offered to you here free of charge as a public service.If you are not happy with life, you can find out why."

I am not going to no dianetics seminar. No cult experience for me. No I will just live with my personality flaws, now I have something to blame, the world is beautiful.
I hate my life I will just blame my personality sounds good to me, myself and I.

screaming

2006-05-16T05:44:00.000-07:00

Every day about the same time I hear a female voice scream. Some days I hear another female voice yell "Stop screaming". I have listened carefully many times. Not once has the screamer called out any words such as help or don't. Not one word just screams. It lasts about 5 seconds sometimes longer. It does make me wonder is it a person or a bird.
I have no idea where its coming from just that I hear it.

I have always wondered...Do guys really think its hot when the girl screams during those moments of passion or is it just annoying as hell?

mothers day

2006-05-14T07:13:00.000-07:00

FCSuper has lost his blogging love for me. Every holiday I can expect an internet card from him, its usually the first or only one I get sometimes, not today though. I know better then to expect anything from anyone.
That's ok really. Today will be the kids making brunch for me and the mother in law, under the supervision of the spouse. I would have tried to take the mother in law to church cause its Sunday and she can't drive herself. Everytime I ask her about taking her and if she is going she responds rather strangely. Week after week its the same response.
No, don't take me, the weekend is the only time you have with your kids. You don't get to see them all week.
I do say everytime, they live here, I don't work and you see them everyday.
She only comes back I know they live here.

I let it go. I don't understand why week after week she says the same thing and implies the kids don't live here.

I never had...meme

2006-05-07T06:23:00.000-07:00

inspired by kb's never had meme list..
1.never played doom, or any other popular game
2. never had interest in owning any gaming console
3. never downloaded music or a movie
4. never bought or sold anything from ebay
5. never got child immunizations
6. never got my tonsils removed
7. never got anything pierced beyond my ears
8. never screwed an Asian
9. never screwed my friend’s boyfriends
10. never ate a meal during the hours of 3:30am-6:59am
11. never visited a Colonial State
12. never been on a cruise longer then 3 hours
13. never been to Hawaii
14. never skied on snow or water
15 never been to Disneyworld
16. never been Mardi Gras
17. never afraid to speak my mind
18. never said sorry for speaking my mind
19 never driven a vehicle over 91 miles an hour
20. never had a crush on a celebrity
21. never caught a fish big enough to keep
22. never cleaned a fish
23. never danced in the rain naked
24. never driven on route 66
25. never traveled on a river
26. never played anything beyond slots and blackjack in Vegas
27. never had the feeling was loved unconditionally exception of own children
28. never not cried when hearing a stories, when massive tragedy occurs
29.never understood purpose of golf even after playing it once
30. never could understand how a cartoon could be sexy or attractive

sex, drugs, and killing Friday matchup

2006-05-05T10:54:00.000-07:00

Kennedy family just loves controversy. Sex, drugs, alcoholism, and taking over their relatives estate affairs, if they aren’t lining up and drawing the lottery who will drop dead next they are killing someone. They are the ones behind un born citizens should be President of the United States, keep it in the family!
Kansas what a backass state. Raising the marriage minimum age to 15 from 0 is nothing to be proud of. No child under 18 should get married how sad.

No goose or duck livers to be sold in Chicago. That's right those birds are annoying animals any way. They shit everywhere, have small brains bring diseases like West Nile and Avian bird flu . Band on all poultry throughout the world! The World Government knows what’s best! Poultry= evil health problems wait a minute it’s not the World Government its PETA the underground mafia. my bad.

standard sayings.. 99% sure ...not really...

2006-05-05T07:50:00.000-07:00

Another interesting thing about being around people who are receiving various life saving treatments, such as radiation is the tendency to ask the same questions.
How long ago did you get your brain surgery?
Where did you get your brain surgery?
What were your symptoms prior?
Who's your doctor you’re seeing in here?
What is your treatment?
Lastly, which I find most curious...Did your doctor team tell you, there is 99% chance it’s not cancer but we should operate anyway? Answer: Yes

I wonder if it's something doctors learn in school...Don't scare the patients going into surgery...no it's better for them to be disappointed when they come out surgery. Every conversation I heard was the same. Everyone was told 99% not cancer but really was the case.

Yikes, I did personally have conversations with people going through their 3rd brain surgery and treatments. By the 3rd time its old hat and driving themselves to the treatments. I just wanted to hug the person. I think to myself where is that persons friends or family, really not something should have to experience alone even if its actually a couple of minutes of treatment.

combinations

2006-05-01T07:25:00.000-07:00

The new and updated version of tomb raider kinda looks like Carmen Electra. Maury and Connie is as funny as this show, but is more like this show. Actually, I was rather pleasantly surprised at the humor and the well the show in general.

gas pricing cry cry cry boo who

2006-04-28T07:04:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the United States of America, for those who have been living under a rock . What short term memories Americans have. As a group of people we continue to re-elect politicians who might not be worthy cause hell memories were not refreshed at the right time of an election. SARS, anyone remember that? The U.S. knows a flu epidemic could come to the States. Prepared? Ready, sure if lucky to be in the 2 percent of the entire country, to get the medicine when needed.

People are shocked every quarter of Oil Company’s posting higher and higher profits then the quarter and years before. Shocked and dumbfounded at the sticker prices at the pump. A bunch of zombies we all are, going through the motions of living busy lives. Every year going into the summer the gas prices rise. Every year a traveling holiday the gas prices go up. This did not happen over night but over the course of years. Every holiday there will be commercials to buy a car, including tax return time. The Oil Company’s know more cars on the road, the manufactures know people will be off work on a Monday to c-o-m-e o-n i-n buy buy buy! I have been watching the pricing of crude oil on the market and I have analyzed that increase in gas and oil happens even if price per barrel is same month before, during and the next.

I find my friend gullible to the internet. Recently I received an email to join in the no gas purchase one day this year. Oh yeah, don’t forget to type your name in the list going to do the same and forward. Clueless! This doesn’t work, it’s been proven it doesn’t work. Typing names in a list in email means nothing, and is not a legal petition.

I do however have a better ideas. As a nation let’s bog down the postal service with post cards and letters. Two times a year it gets really bogged down, Christmas cards and Tax filling. If millions of Americans wrote and mailed demands for cars with gas alternatives, keeping the price of the autos down, to the manufactures this message will be clear. I am talking about the old fashioned way of writing a complaint letter and sending in the mail to a company forget the email.

Another idea as effective and could be combined is…massive protests. One day throughout the entire country people show up at dealerships …so many people in the lots can’t move. Signs and chants build cars with gas and oil alternatives. Protest at every major city across the U.S. Sending the message home what the consumers really want.

Understanding the Oil Company’s are in bed with the manufactures lets rip off those bed sheets and come together as a nation of brilliant minds and come up with a better solution. There is a reality show for you.

One year, to come up with a solution weaning the country off of gas and oil in the vehicles, win million dollars . If we can make a car now fly we can do this.

traps for rats

2006-04-26T08:31:00.000-07:00

It is rather concerning when walking around a University Medical Campus to see rodent bait traps every 100 feet or so. Yikes! not even an attempt to hide from public view. Nope, right up against buildings a couple feet away from sidewalks. I am not comforted at all. My dad who actually is getting life saving treatments didn't see any of them. Who ever placed them, probably thought people would be too busy trying to get where they need to be, to notice. Fr-e-edom, to just put them out anywhere.
Freedom, which I thought at first I had, when creating a new blog. Come to think about it, it's more like the trap. Since, I have not and choose not to tell my family, spouse and close friends (non-bloggers) of this blog it is a trap. A trap full of poison, lying?
A good question indeed and I don't really know the answer too. Is it lying when the subject does not come up? Is it lying because I didn't volunteer the information? Is it really a trap that will come to bite me in the ass when I know some of the above mentioned don't really give a crap if I do or don't? Eventually truths come out, always do.
I think for now, I will stay with the illusion of freedom. That's my story and I am sticking to it.

Interesting thing happened on the way to radiation

2006-04-25T18:32:00.000-07:00

Sitting in the waiting area for radiology. A sea of IV stands and the jokes old men say about the rollers and the stands. One interesting thing came of it all. It didn't matter what it was, everyone shared their story with another person. From brain cancer to breast cancer to butt cancer even if it was returning everyone had the same comments. ( Get a group of people together "what are you in for?" )
Some conversations just can't help but to over hear cause they are right next to you. The underlining theme of it all, spoken by all.
Enjoy life!
The biggest mistake they made was being too busy with their lives and work. It took getting sick to slow down and just enjoy their lives. Funny, I didn't need to be told it, I have been preaching it, but I am guilty too. I did start saying the same words once I started having some health problems.

As you go about your business, remember slow down and just enjoy your life before your slapped with a health issues upside your head, doooh I was warned but was too busy to follow.

joz loves me yes she does

2006-04-25T18:04:00.000-07:00

jozjozjoz loves me clap clap. (hands) Joz she loves me yes she does.
I got one of these today from her trip in Europe.~~Tomorrow I will provide the proof.~~

would you believe me if I told you...

2006-04-25T14:22:00.000-07:00

I do actually have half a brain...ok I have a full brain..
and I do porn.
Amazing it's just not natural is it?
Am I joking? Wouldn't you like to know.
Damn sexual dreams, damn FCSuper's post .
Damn, where's the vibrator?

happy tuesday.

it could be worse..nails, drugs and year of headaches

2006-04-23T08:28:00.000-07:00

It could always be worse. Could have this guy's problems. Complain to his doctors for a year of headaches only having to admit a year before he was on drugs and shot himself in the head with several nails. Poor 33 year old man from Oregon with drug and mental problems. How the hell does he explain this one to his family and friends.
see I told you I was sick...

live or memorex, smoke and mirrors, pranking gone too far or not far enough

2006-04-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

Airforce One, graffitied ...one prank revealed. It reminds me of a bad eposide of Punked with Ashton Kusher. Now, if Air Force One disappeared Copperfield style then a story we have.

"I wanted to do something culturally significant, wanted to create a real pop-culture moment," said Marc Ecko of Marc Ecko Enterprises. "It's this completely irreverent, over-the-top thing that could really never happen: this five-dollar can of paint putting a pimple on this Goliath."

The pranksters were quoted as to why. This does have significance but not in pop culture but in the court of law. As technology and software is easier for the common person to master, photos in court can be challenged, was it photoshopped or not. This prank raises concerns not only can illisionists, and movie studios do a switch-a-roo anyone with a creative mind and some money can too. It will become harder and harder if not impossible to verify authenticity of any kind of medium.
It will be a harsh future in courts of law. When photos and video used to be solid proof it can no longer be as undisputed as once was. Just about anyone can make a movie now with their computers. Step backwards in court and evidence hundrends of years of progress haulted.

Next, we all will be asked to believe that levitation is not sadistic in nature . Believe ...believe everything, question nothing. Remember it was photo's that suggested wmd in Iraq, the country believed, not myself though.

Do you know me? Tell my parents on me! 1

2006-04-18T07:10:00.000-07:00

Myspace teen trouble. Alyson *a.ka.* lil Gansta 14 Toledo Ohio..her family must be so proud! Ashley (single and looking) California. Tara dark 16 Staten Island New York, Only wants to talk to role players. leeandra 16 Freeport New York, miss Queen bee.
All these girls have one thing in common they link to each other in one way or another. Even if one puts down age 99 their friends are 14-16 and they invite blog parties in their posts. They put in surveys about themselves. leeandra I am scared for her, with QueenBee all over the page I could treat her like a princess and promise the world and do otherwise later. Miss role player dangerous game for a child. Single and looking my my it's not hard to figure out if all her friends are under 16 what age she is.

my baby boomer parents units leaving a boom in my heart mind and soul

2006-04-16T06:03:00.000-07:00

I am the child of baby boomer generation. I was born in the beginning years of generation x, my children were born into the generation y and my youngest after 2000 I don't know it's a new one.
I wonder what the hell is going on? More and more things are coming up about baby boomer generation. It isn't just my experiences but a curtain on the economy as well.

I think back to what is my teen's age is now, I remember my grandparents in good health, independent and sound mind, and leading active lives even though retirement. I see them now and they are not on medications, and they talk about some experiences back in war time. My in-law is the same age of my grandparents, she is not on medication.

I search my memories and never once did anyone ever tell me about the day early in my marriage would I have to look after a parent unit. When I was growing up all grandparents were living their lives. The only example I ever saw until I had to do it myself would be much older say the 70 year old child taking in the parent. In the very early days of internet dating when it was new and taboo, I did have to put a line in I didn't want to talk to any man still living at home. Back in the day when their was only a few dating sites, I was dumb founded by how many men 30 and older never left home. There is a difference between never leaving home and having to look after a parent.

What is the difference between the baby boomers and their parents? What are the parents of baby boomers doing or experienced to give them better lives then the offspring? Is there some secret to life not being shared? My personal situation and experience the parent of baby boomer or grandparents, are going through the typical dementia and broken bones and glocoma surgeries. Yet my parent units being the baby boomers have too take half a dozen medications a day for various alignments and facing cancer in one way or another. They try to say "I'm healthy" is that really healthy though I think not, especially when their parents take nothing.

For a few years now I have had to look after a parent unit. A situation my parent units didn't have to face in their lives yet. My parent units have married each a couple of times I have too many people to call step parent unit. As my own parent units grow older and with each alignment they face they become more bitter about life, yet their parents keep with the same attitudes and tones, even if they get details mixed up.

I know as history is, each generation has it a little better then the one before. Has the easier life and the convenience made a generation less healthy? We must deal with the aging of baby boomers and their health issues and retirement coming up. A curtain we all face instead of vertical blinds in which can adjust.

What is the generation y and beyond, going to face if health issues and social security issues continue in mass portions as it is now?

This is an interesting time in like never before. The grandchildren of baby boomers are seeing their futures through their parents. They are seeing either stick with family values family takes care of family no matter what or put em in a home. Either way, they are seeing they too maybe in the same situation. Parents like myself are faced with the examples of role model of looking after their parents. The grandchildren seeing and understanding the loosing of parent before they actually pass. The grandchildren come to realize no matter how old one gets still a child to a parent, no matter how much turmoil has occurred parents are always parents.

If you haven't had to look after your parent unit, yet think to yourself how would you deal with the day you do. What kind of person will you be, where will you draw your strength? I give only the following advice, be kind to your offspring one day they will be your care taker. The examples set maybe the exact ones implemented .
The most important thing, not to forget to give the spouse and or the kids the attention they deserve during the stressful moments of caring for a parent unit. One can only do so much in actions, mind and soul. Can not forget about the S.O.'s they need you too. It is very easy to get wrapped up in the tribulations of parent units to push away the S.O. but that S.O. will be the savior if keep them constantly in mind too.

s.o ....significant others.

theories of a five year old

2006-04-15T12:46:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been just informed of an interesting theory from my five year old little girl not in school yet. She believes Dr. Suess, mentioned boys names more often then girls in the series of books. In her mind he preferred boys over girls. She was going to teach him a bunch of girls names because he doesn't know about girls.
Ok then. I didn't have the heart to tell her she won't be meeting him.

silent birth and seminars Oh my

2006-04-15T12:20:00.000-07:00

I am no fan of Tom Cruise and his antics to constantly be in the news or spotlight. Silent birth, my ass. How is this really news. Seminars to teach people what an expected mother needs and after.
Let me get this straight, there is going to be many many people present in the birthing room where ever it might be. They are the first couple to have a baby.
The only real reason anyone ever needs to convey quiet during labor is when the room will be filled to the rim of people. I actually haven't heard of this myself but they are celebrities with a lot of friends and family perhaps they want the intimate moment shared with everyone forget video tapping the experience thats so 90's.
Everyone knows its almost impossible for a mother going through labor not to speak. Actually I have gone through the process a couple times myself. I didn't have drugs but I will say at least once my doctor said don't scream. I will say that breathing techniques did help and grunting and groaning and the pure effort of pushing a 18 inch head through only 10 well can imagine tore every time or the doctor helped to tear. Stitches there are fun.
Everyone knows to pamper an expected mother. Everyone knows, hell that mother will need some extra help cause waking every two hours to feed baby tires a mom out.
But alas they are the first couple going through this. Therefor seminars and how to be quiet in the delivery room is an absolute must.

I know from experience that doctors and nurses kinda push aside the support people such as the spouse or say mother or whoever when its time .
If they want many people in the room more power to them. Personally I am glad it was a private thing.

Otherwise this is all a way to stay in the media. OH my peanut butter I am so sick of it.

dreams dreams sweet little dreams

2006-04-14T06:23:00.000-07:00

I have been having some problems with dreams. Most recently involving my own tongue. The same type of thing I used to have involving my teeth now has transformed to my tongue. Both dreams have the same object causing problem, and both have the same situation. Interesting enough always around people and in conversations, obviously in distress or having issues and no one notices. Yet in my dreams itself my character has no pain. Wouldn't I know it? Every time after such a dream, someone tells me why are you speaking so oddly. I don't hear the change in my voice, tone or pronunciation but it lasts a long time in reality.

On the other hand I do have strange dreams. I do dream of holding a infant on my hip, and being encouraged to go inside a business. The child is not mine and everyone knows it even I know it, only the guardian or protector of the infant. Its a dream of participating in a charity nonprofit organization and the persons pointing out an old picture on the wall I resemble. Thinking the people are wacked, I rush out. Only to run into a female at the door startled, I know her but never met her before.
Then memories not my own rush into my head. I know everyone, I know where everything is in this place and what it is all about. Its a large building with many rooms and services for people. I am given a room to live, cause apparently I need a place to live but they didn't know it.
I never let down the infant and find out that this charity does dance performances for various organizations and functions as a fund raiser. Of course I know how to do it all.
Thats about it I woke up.

honey were killing the kids

2006-04-12T07:24:00.000-07:00

Honey were killing the kids. Its about time! Parents find out how they are effecting their offspring's future by not giving healthy living choices. I have blogged about it before. I believed then and believe now, its the parents responsibility and fault if a child is overweight and obese. It is not the fault of fast food nor vending machines in school. It is all on the parents. Nowhere ever has said its healthy to feed child fast food every night at right before they go to sleep. Dr. Spock never said shove food into child's mouth to stop a tantrum. Ahr-nold for years has been talking about kids and exercise, this notion started back in Reagan administration did it not?!
Its is not isolated to just American kids. This is a world wide epidemic. An epidemic giving diabetes and other health problem delivered in that plastic spork.

I think, this show is a wonderful idea, a wake up call to parents.
Give a child healthy options before they think or know differently makes a world of difference.
Children really do like the empowerment of learning to cook a meal.
Children just love it when parents are involved with their activities and emotional and mental states. When parents are active with their kids those kids are less likely to feed their emotions with food later in life. Dinner and the dinner table, one of the most important times of the day as a family!
A child should never eat alone, not dinner, not that snack; of candy, popsicle, even fruit.
A Family that eats and play together and really spends the quality time together will stay together later in life. When that child is an adult they may pick up the phone to talk to a family member or friend, instead of feeding their emotions. Through the experience and good choices that person knows their comfort is through communication and not food. They would remember the tantrums as a child were met with attention not a snack.

Yeah, every time I know an adult is angry and upset I offer food, it happens a-l-l the time.
No instead, there is jokes behind the persons back they need to be laid.

thats all

I can write it yes I can

2006-04-09T10:03:00.000-07:00

Via this and here...it's your turn.

revenge as sweet as it gets

2006-04-08T09:22:00.000-07:00

My best revenge to a revenge or wrong doing done on to me. OH MY Peanut Butter! it has to be the silent treatment, and I do hold grudges for long periods of time.

on another note: "I'm a vegetarian, harm no animal I believe"
OH really, Are you absolutely sure that soap and other beauty products you use isn't made of some animal fat? Maybe you should research the history a little...snicker.
Let the rain begin.

big numbers, any numbers... no whammies

2006-04-07T07:12:00.000-07:00

It's all about the numbers that bring in the big money. I think Bruce Willis is a number freak. In short a brief look at his career and his love for numbers.

Ones, 1's :
Alpha Dog, Grand Champion, Breakfast of Champions, First deadly Sin
*
Two's and three's, 2 and 3:
Die Hard 2, Look who's talking 2
Film fest DVD Issue 3 - Torronto
*
Four thru Seven, 4, 5, 6, 7:
Four rooms, Die Hard 4.0
The Fifth element
Sixth Sense
Lucky number slevin
*
8-10:
Inside the Actors Studio Episode #8.4
Whole nine yards
Whole ten yards
Aspel & Company Eposide 10.7
*
Eleven thru Sixteen 11-16:
Twleve monkeys
Oceans Twelve
SNL episode #15.1
16 blocks
*
20's and beyond
25 toughest stars -rank
2002 ABC world stunt awards
44th annual Golden Globe Awards
61st Annual Academy Awards
70's show
Scene 71 Filmmakers workshop
Sinatra 75: The Best is yet to come
Retrosexual: the 80's
*
Last Boy scout, Last man standing

I wanna be a myspace celebrity

2006-04-06T19:16:00.000-07:00

I heard this song on the radio. The myspace song ...I wanna be a myspace celebrity...go there. listen, laugh , rock, dance do what ever you do .

space, myspace, the space, sucky space

2006-04-06T07:06:00.000-07:00

My own teenage daughter must have missed the memo on myspace is a perve wasteland. Yikes! trouble big trouble in space. I made a profile for my own reasons filled with lies and half truths and some humor.

In a very short time, I started receiving requests from bands asking for acceptance as a friend. I thought to myself yeah, what-ever floats their boats, it didn't really matter. At first I accepted anyone and everyone who send a request. Little did I know how crazy it all gets.

I started getting bombarded with bulletins from one death rock, genre fan who kept making bulletins every 30 minutes all day. Rather annoying to have to go three pages deep to view my own child's bulletins. Go death and Satan stuff! - What-ever! I ended up removing the person as a friend. They would never know with 2 thousand friends how could they figure it out to cry about de-linking or de-friending later.
I started to get requests from underage boys. Then the emails and the bulletins came to make any parent just cringe. Just as scary was the underage girls listed as their friends on their profiles half naked pictures with statements like they party and drink.
One boy under 17 years old had pictures of himself with syringes and blood looking make-up on his face. He said he was a model, he would meet anyone who would help him in his career to be a model. He posted a portfolio of sorts made obviously with the mirror. Yikes! I removed him as a friend when he made a bulletin come to my profile to see me naked.
Another boy indicating he was under 18 years old was asking for mature woman to be his mistress. He would make bulletins asking for women to train him in the world of dom- submissiveness and him be a sex slave. He too I removed as a friend.

Rather disgusted with underage boys and their sexual desires I made a disclaimer that I wouldn't accept underage boys as friends. A couple of things came of it.
I noticed all of a sudden the boys that were already in my friend list not yet removed all of a sudden made themselves 2 years old to make it read 18. At the same time I was making this stand, a person in my friend list was making bulletins he would remove all underage girls from his list. We compared notes on the responses and the edits the children were making.

We both experienced under age children crying for the de-friending or editing of their profiles. He clearly stated in his profile and in bulletins his blogging is not intended for girls under 18, it had sexual content. We really shared the information with each other. Sharing how these kids are having half naked or naked pictures of themselves as the default picture .
He shared how he found out later his daughter had a fake ID when she was 16 to show she was older, his daughter now over 21.
We discussed how scary it is as parents. Many of these kids post what schools they go to including city and state names. Some I have found post phone numbers and addresses as well and exactly the locations they hang out.
Kids are stupid! They might change the age but they forget to edit everything else. Its not hard to do the math and figure out the start date of the high school the are listing and when they say they are going to graduate. Hmm, it is quite odd when a person says they are 18 but indicates they won't graduate from their high school until 2008. All their favorite shows and tv revolves around teenagers or cartoons and video games where they hang out is teenage places. When their posts mention high school subjects and issues well its kind of a dead give away.

I don't know what is scarier, a teenager posting half naked pictures flirting around and indicating their sexual desires and little party animals, or it might be a setup from law enforcement. It's a gross and disguisting game either way and I will have no part in. What the hell would I do with anyone under the age of 21 in any capacity. I have no intention of ever meeting anyone of any age through myspace p-l-e-a-s-e!
The exception only being people I have personally known and happen to have profile there.

Myspace is a sucky space for perve and little ones who want to be pervs or to be perved.

born with a higher purpose

2006-04-04T07:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was told maybe I was born for a higher purpose. I don't know about that. It's a nice thought to be said though. Reviewing, I have always had some job that served people in some capacity. In the last few years my serving has been towards family.
I have been serving the needs of parent units. Most recently being as available as possible for my own parent unit and cancer and treatments coming up. I ask for nothing in return, I want for nothing in return.
I struggle with my own health and keep silent how much it torments my mind and soul. I struggle with just not being able to do the things I want to do or need to be done. No matter how crappy I feel I am there for my family. I am quite honest with my closets friends of my issues.
I struggle with not being able to give my family a better life such as a house. Yet, I am able to convey the most important things in life...family!
I struggle with the mirror showing me flaws that increase month after month. Year after year seeing my face looking less and less attractive. I struggle with looking deeper knowing its not the world that revolves around myself, yet the way I treat people does, like a domino effect. I struggle wondering if its Karma...I made one big mistake in my life. I wronged only myself and disappointed those close to me 13 years ago. Is it karma that year after year I give and give to family and not have the worthiness of apperication. It is karma kicking my ass.
Another year will come and not a friend to celebrate my birth day. Another year to come just not worthy of a break from the mirror. That is why my my flaws get worse and worse and my teeth will fall out, or be pulled another year . It is my punishment.
I continue to just be there for family. No matter what, thick or thin its family maybe if I am lucky years from now when I need the assistance my offspring will be there for me.

Higher purpose. No, its not a higher purpose its doing the human thing and taking care of ones own family.
One day I will have a good reason to wake up too, something to look forward too. Otherwise its the same thing day in day out, family! Its not so bad.

my head is spinning not in the good way no the spitting of goo and help me on my tummy

2006-03-30T17:44:00.000-08:00

What a day! Just one thing after another. The headache that just won't go away. The headache that brings nausea the pain killers aren't working.
I was in a busy parking lot, giving enough space for the person to back out. Some bitch in a white BMW thinking it was ok to zoom in. No I don't think so, since I had been waiting there holding up traffic for two minutes before she even arrived from the other direction. I beeped my horn! She looked back to see me. I threw up my arms and kept pointing at her and the space. Good freaking grief. She did however back out and let me have the spot.
The kids are driving me up the wall. Doctors going in the wrong direction again with tests that will say normal I am sure. Man oh man I feel sick today, I am sure my blood counts will be all messed up.
Then one of my most favorite relatives won't name names again is killing me.
Killing me with the damn perfume. Might as well be called ode de tal skunk. I can't take it! Its making me more sick. I know the woman hasn't showered for months on end. I know her mind is totally gone. Damn, its the hardest thing in the world to keep my mouth shut when Im dieiin.
Every time I open my mouth to speak I can taste it in my mouth. Making me feel more and more sick to my stomach. The damn scent has been lingering for 2 hours and travels around corners. Even my child has complained about it.
OH my peanut butter give me strength to get through the rest of the day.
I need to call up my buddy strange cousin susan "micky" and share a drink even if over the phone.

knotted carved shadded grandfather tree

2006-03-28T06:40:00.000-08:00

In the most unkempt yard of the neighborhood which I take my daily walks is a chained dog. A friendly scruffy mutt of a dog chained to a post, with 3 feet of room, watching the world go by. In the middle of the yard under a knotted tree looking 3 generations old with a big heart carved in with the letter I in it. Everyday passing I say hello to the dog, and wave. Many times I look back without really knowing why only to see that silly stupid dog wind itself around the post and lean against it as it give up. Through the summer, I see the dog is provided with a water for the hottest days. One brisk fall day walking by the dog, as I always do, something was just a little different. The dog just sat, and did not move his body only his eyes. As I approached the corner of the street I hear a metal scrapping sound from behind and its getting closer and closer. The dog, is dragging his chain and post off on a little run across the street, stopping looking at me and continuing on his journey. “I will be damned” I thought, wasn’t a stupid silly dog after all.

KABUL, Afghanistan – “An Afghan man who had faced the death penalty for converting from Islam to Christianity has been released from prison after the case was dropped, the justice minister said Tuesday.”..mentally unfit to stand trial…

The world applauded. Not for the choice in religion the man had, rather he chose a different religion then lawfully allowed. He knew the severe penalty he would have to pay for was with his life. Yet, he still had a Bible anyway, crazy one might think taking such a risk. Maybe just maybe he figured out how to come off mentally unfit to save his life to disappear into a bigger world.

applying calm submissiveness in the human world

2006-03-25T09:12:00.000-08:00

Ahhh, calm submissiveness, the wonderful enlightenment it brings when applied in the human world.
When the mind is relaxed, it is much easier to be the duck and let the water flow off the back. Soft tones allow the mind not to get spun up tight. Going into a communication normally on the defensive and at the end of a pointed finger keeping a relaxed state of mind helps.
Being the calm submissive person has all the power. The power of clear thinking and processing of what is being said. The power to observe every little body language of the other person.
Maintaining calm statue and tones and thinking through the toughest of communications is the powerful person for that control.
When my mind and body, is very calm I find myself really watching the person. Listening and absorbing what they are saying not only with their words but expressions with each word. People may say they want eye contact, but they really don't want it to be constantly.
With a calm state can see expressions when a name or subject is mentioned giving that persons thoughts away. Its very similar to determine if a person is lying. Making a mental counting note of everytime the person facial expression changes when I mention one of childrens names.

I know, the person doesn't know, I know. A family member of mine doesn't want to hear me mention any of my childrens names. I can see it in the expressions. There is no asking questions about my children. They are just kids, who shower people with attention and loving spirit. Messed up, to miss out on getting to know them. My friend Joz, hell she isn't family and I can talk all I want to her about my kids. I don't push my kids on people its pretty messed up not to give them the chance to shine and enjoy the moment of their youth.

Ok, some distance I shall provide, the person wouldn't know. I have the calmer state of mind, not to show it on my face.

stomping on your i m a g i n a t i o n

2006-03-25T05:46:00.000-08:00

Is the solar system out of alignment? Is it a full moon? Is it the water? Is there some flashing indicator light on my forehead that reads" this person's IQ is 90" ? I know what my IQ is, I even know that my short term memory IQ points are higher then the overall. I also know because of my astrological sign, I have good long term memory when it comes to issues of the heart and soul and memorable situations. I have no idea why peoples think I am a complete idiot and can't remember shit.
Decisions, decisions ...eny meany miny moe.. which boot to slide on, the walking boot or the shit kickers.
I am all for an imagination and an occasional day dream or vivid dream, knock your socks off. There is a line between fantasy and reality , sometimes I wanna just kick some sense into where the sun don't shine. My foot so far up their ass, a week later still can't talk out of it.

Apparently a few people are having imaginary conversations with me. Conversations I didn't have and no where present for. From different peoples I get messed UP emails ...you said this you said that I am tired of you telling me no or what to do. Statements that go against every fiber of my personal standings. I know, I have told these morons 100 different ways where I stand over the course of months . I am passionate about these things my mind will not be changed.

I had a blog, my own domain ownership...I started getting stalked by a family member and some drama came up. I took time off ...In the time I did a lot of thinking and soul searching plus character building with personal growth. Before, I would have been very aggressive and angry my words in email would speak loudly. Now, I see it all as a game a game I will not be lured into. My buttons will not be pushed. I will be strong and continue not to respond to emails as I promised. I refuse to state my position 101 time, I refuse to get into it with "I don't know what the f your talking about" . No! no matter how many times tell me I said something or thought something I can't be brainwashed or be submissive 2+2=5 .
If they want to believe their imaginary conversations thats their problem I will not be apart of it. In my fantasy and daydreaming world I am stomping all over them.

I don't own any shit kickers, nor good walking boots in my imagination I do.

yukkyville

2006-03-24T11:23:00.000-08:00

7up plus cherry with calcium not to forget with splenda. How the hell can they sell this stuff. The taste is right up there with the crap make you drink before cat scan.
The kids seam not to be bothered by it.
Drinking red bull by itself in all its tasting like urine is better.
It should read 7up minus cherry or the 7up-nish flavor make stomach wanna empty contents ..

freaking popcorn ceilings

2006-03-23T07:24:00.000-08:00

I hate them really I do. I see dead people, I will have to bring back posting about seeing jesus in object posts again. I have been having problems actually falling asleep these days. My body says hey its bedtime but my mind says hey I haven't played out all the things I want to play out.

I have a night-light in my room. Its not a baby thing more of a security feeling, never know if I have to get up in the middle of the night to run to the restroom. I do wake several times a night, its a reality check in sorts ok I am in my bed and go right back to sleep.

I look up at the dammed good for nothing popcorn ceiling and see images. I see the popcorn form all sorts of images I could only wish to be able to draw them as I see them. It would be cool. Yet, apart of me gets freaked out.

Last night, in trying to rest my restless mind and looking to the ceiling I realized damn! My spouse needs attention from me. I have been so emotionally and mentally messed up with my dads down turn of diagnosis that I have not given my spouse attention. I am tortured inside. How do I put aside all the emotions and thoughts and memories for my spouse? One hand he needs me. On the other it wouldn't be fair to him if I couldn't give 100% of myself to him.

I hate popcorn ceilings really do. Pain in the ass if have to dust, they fall on my head. Stupid little bumps just hold onto dust more then a flat ceiling. arg! The texturedness of it all makes me see artful images ...I hate them! From what I hear its a bigger pain in the ass to remove too..what is the point?
yeah I made up a word ...like I care..